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Real Talk with Tina and Ann
Tina and Ann met as journalists covering a capital murder trial, 15 years ago. Tina has been a tv and radio personality and has three children. Ann has a master's in counseling and has worked in the jail system, was a director of a battered woman's shelter/rape crisis center, worked as an assistant director at a school for children with autism, worked with abused kids and is currently raising her three children who have autism. She also is autistic and was told would not graduate high school, but as you can see, she has accomplished so much more. The duo share their stories of overcoming and interview people who are making it, despite what has happened. This is more than just two moms sharing their lives. This is two women who have overcome some of life's hardest obstacles. Join us every Wednesday as we go through life's journey together. There is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey.
Real Talk with Tina and Ann
The Worst Thing you could do to Someone part 2
Have you ever questioned how much power your words truly hold? In this episode of Real Talk with Tina and Ann, we unravel the emotional turmoil caused by misrepresentation, gossip, and false accusations. Using the gripping storyline of Prison Break as a springboard, we explore how even good intentions can be devastatingly misunderstood, leading to turmoil and broken relationships.
Listen in as we share our personal experiences with gossip, manipulation, and emotional pain—highlighting the unspoken weight our words carry. We emphasize the critical need for empathy, mindful communication, and the consequences of spreading rumors in a world where they can tear lives apart.
We also dive into the poignant realm of unresolved emotions and the heartache of losing a loved one. Ann opens up about her late brother's hidden life and the painful exclusion that left her struggling for closure. Through an unexpected apology from an old friend, we shed light on the importance of reconciliation, seeking forgiveness, and expressing love before it’s too late.
The episode culminates with reflections on setting healthy boundaries in relationships, inspired by Bob Goff’s Love Does. We underscore the importance of guarding our emotional well-being, protecting our hearts, and balancing empathy with self-respect.
Join us on this journey of personal growth, transformation, and the powerful impact of apologies, empathy, and setting boundaries. Don’t miss this episode if you want to learn more about the true power of words and how they can both hurt and heal.
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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. I am Anne and Tina is here too. This is the worst thing you could do to someone. Part two, as we continue to look at sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can hurt our soul. We are so grateful for each and every one of you. You can reach us on Facebook at Real Talk with Tina and Ann and you can go catch all of our episodes or message us at realtalktinaanncom. You can catch our monthly newsletters and get special messages. Here is part two.
Speaker 2:I might be a little bit out in the weeds here on this next thing, but my husband and I are currently watching a show called Prison Break, and when we started watching it, we just assumed it's been like years since.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, oh my gosh, it's been like five seasons ago, yeah yeah, oh, I'm so glad you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2:Well, we're only in the first season, and when we started watching it, we assumed that each season you know, usually seasons only have like 10 episodes, maybe 12. This one has 22. And there's part of me going like we just watched episode 20 last night, and there's part of me like, oh, my gosh, I don't even know how the next four seasons are going to turn out, because we still have, you know, they still haven't made their prison break yet. Okay, they still haven't made their prison break yet, but the episode that really stands out to me in terms of what we're talking about in the show right now.
Speaker 2:But, yeah, on occasion his boss would say, hey, can you, can you get me some alcohol here or whatever? And so, yeah, boss, I got you, I got you, so he would somehow get it in there. Well, at some point he saw that some of the Marines were mistreating some people and so he spoke up about it. And so his boss said well, how far are you willing to take this? And he said, as far as I have to to get justice. That's how he ended up in prison, was standing up for the right thing. Oh, because they they busted him for um bringing in all of the illegal, if you will, will you know, like alcohol and stuff like that. Nothing like super major in my opinion, but he tried to do something right and got wronged in the process, and so sometimes things aren't always what they seem, you know. I think that's one of the themes that we're talking about today as well.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I've heard is how hard it is to feel beautiful when you feel so much shame or when someone is shaking their finger at you and blaming you and misrepresenting you or accusing you of something that you know you didn't even do.
Speaker 2:That's tough that you know you didn't even do.
Speaker 1:You know, one of the things I absolutely hate is being misrepresented by someone or accused of something that I didn't do.
Speaker 2:Me too, and that has been the story, you know, of summer, I mean, imagine. First of all, it's actually ridiculous One of the things I was accused of. First of all, it's actually ridiculous One of the things I was accused of. I wasn't even actually physically there for, so just accused of taking this picture that I didn't see, and I wasn't even there for I didn't even know it happened. It wasn't a wrong picture or anything. It just didn't have certain people's children in it, apparently. So just stupid things like that. How, one little thing, you know, how does one get their name attached to it? I don't understand sometimes the way that people think you know here's the truth Words hurt.
Speaker 1:They do. Actions hurt. It is hard to pick up the pieces. Sometimes there can be parts of us that are left on that ground or not able to ever be the same because something, someone did or said something. I mean, can we continue Absolutely? Can we be a better version of ourselves because of something that somebody else does? Yes, but the facts are the facts, and those words and actions can hurt us for a lifetime.
Speaker 2:You know, you've probably heard sayings such as words can hurt and heal, and you probably maybe you know, I did hear this in church we were given two ears and one tongue, you know. So two ears to listen. You're supposed to listen twice as more as you talk, right? But I do think we could definitely benefit from biting our tongue a little bit more and either choosing to be quiet, because that says too, or, you know, really taking some time and coming back later to choosing better words, or, you know, at the end of the day, we are people and we do make mistakes. But I do think it's so important that we think about what we're saying and doing. And, okay, you know, if you can't commit to something, that's, that's totally fine. Don't tell someone you're going to do this or that when you can't because you don't know how vitally important it might be for them and in the season that they're in, there's just there's just so. There's so many layers.
Speaker 1:I feel like to what we're talking about you know, I don't understand what's so wrong, what, why people just can't be kind, I don't't know either. I mean, if you go in, people must truly be miserable. If you go into relationships or you know whatever's happening in any situation, if you just handle it with kindness. Gossiping is not kind. Accusing is not kind. Spreading rumors is not kind. Manipulation is not kind. Spreading rumors is not kind. Manipulation is not kind. Trying to hurt people and tell other people untruths about somebody just to make them feel better about you, it's unkind.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I don't know that thought process of why people do that because I'm not that way and you're not that way, of why people do that because I'm not that way and you're not that way. And that's why I think we can't understand why it happens, why people do it and why it's happened. You know to us and people that we love and that we're close to I know I don't have the answer to that and if somebody tells you something, if somebody tells you something that is so hurtful that they've gone through too.
Speaker 1:On the other swing of that, If you're on the receiving end of somebody telling you that they have been hurt, just listen, Just say well, you know, like the teacher who hurt my son and we went to her and we told her you hurt my son, she wouldn't apologize. She still just kept saying how wrong he was at seven years old and a little situation in the school and made such a big deal out of it that she took all of his money that he had earned in the classroom. And instead of just saying I'm sorry for that or I'm sorry that you feel that I hurt you, Do you know what that would have done for him? Just listen to the person, because you might not agree, you might still feel like you didn't do what they're saying, that you, you know that you did to hurt them. But listen, validate, give them the chance to have a voice to express how you, how they feel about what you did. I think that that is so important because, honestly, it's just being kind.
Speaker 2:Instead of I feel like instead of always. You always hear to learn to accept an apology you'll never get. Why don't we learn how to apologize? Why not? That that's the other side of the coin. So I have learned to accept an apology that I will never get and, at the same time, sometimes you really feel like you need an apology just to help you move on. You know?
Speaker 1:just like what you were saying I'll put another twist on this.
Speaker 1:My brother died. Yeah, I want an apology from him, not because he died, of course not because he died, of course, but he spent probably 40 years of our lives not in my life. I go to Chicago to find out more about him. I find out that he had this life away from us. That was absolutely amazing. It was amazing.
Speaker 1:He shared his life with people, but he could not open up his life to his family, and I was his baby sister and I did nothing. He's 20 years older than me. I didn't even have a chance to goof up, goof up, you know. And so when I found out that he left money to this person and he left this to this person and the people that were left behind in Chicago, that he would consider family more than his own family. They're in control of all these things and they're doing all these things in the name of him, and I'm just like I. He never even thought twice about us. That would hurt, yeah. And so sometimes you can't get apologies from people because they aren't even here, and I don't even know if he would have known that he was doing something wrong. Actually, somebody did tell me when we were in Chicago that he said. You know I used to be a jerk, but he's never admitted that to me.
Speaker 2:So maybe sometimes, I believe, we're sent people in our lives to help be the messenger of something we need to learn to know to heal, and maybe that's what that did for you or could do for you. I mean, you know, death is a, it is a period, it is not a semicolon. There is no I mean yes, heaven, but no physical here on earth.
Speaker 2:And so that is something so hard to to deal with. When you do have all these extra questions surrounding the the wise, you know the answers that you won't get and I feel like you've handled it really truly so, so beautifully, as best that you can, and you'll continue to do that, but it doesn't mean that you weren't hurt in the process.
Speaker 1:It puts a different perspective on things, because I think that you feel and again it's a feeling that as long as somebody is alive, something can be resolved, Something can be changed. You can hear them, they can hear you and all of a sudden, all those opportunities to have those conversations that were needed, that you thought could happen any time, never happened and now they never will. So, to put a whole twist on this, if you have anybody in your life that you have hurt deeply, or if you feel that you have been wronged and you feel like you need to have those conversations, I mean you just need to have them because you don't want that semicolon or to become a period and it'd be where you don't have the opportunity anymore.
Speaker 2:So I don't know if I've shared this on the podcast before I might have, I'm just not a hundred percent sure, but several. I would say probably a year, year and a half ago at this point, I had one of my pretty close high school friends reach out to me and say I'm sorry. She said I'm all these years later I mean we're talking 20 years later she apologizes for just abruptly ending our friendship and she said I don't even know, I loved. I loved when she said this. I don't even remember why it ended, I just remember how much fun that we had. And so she wanted to get together again.
Speaker 2:And I wasn't being mean intentionally or anything, but I just said thank you so much. I didn't even think about it, to be honest with you, because you're healed from that. So of course you don't. You don't think about something now, 20 years ago, and you don't see this person so out of sight, out of mind. But it was nice to get that apology.
Speaker 2:And at the same time I said I'm sorry, I don't have, I don't have the capacity, the time to get together with you, but I wish you well. It's funny this summer I ran into her at the ball field, in about an hour from our house. So how funny that we were there and we ended up just chatting for a few minutes and it was really good to just to see her and to catch up, and you know so I guess in the end some you know, some things work out and it's so nice to be able to get that even all that time later, you know. So I guess what we're saying is it is never too late to apologize or to tell someone you love them.
Speaker 1:Is there anybody and you don't have to list them is there anybody in your life that you feel that's unresolved, like you need to say something to them or you still need something from them? You want to say something to them or you still need something from them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say there's probably just one person in particular that I don't really understand the distance I do, but I don't. You know, there wasn't anything that transpired between us in a negative way. I just wonder if this friend has listened to some chatter that's not true about me, right, just listen to chatter in general and, uh, you know, has decided to side with with that person or not, and so I've actually contemplated having the conversation, but I keep coming back to I haven't even seen this person in over a year and I try to go okay, well, will it still bother me in a year?
Speaker 2:and the fact that I haven't seen this person in a year? I'm like, well, will it still bother me in a year? And the fact that I haven't seen this person in a year? I'm like I don't know. I don't know if what they would say would be helpful or harmful.
Speaker 1:And I do try to take that into consideration. What about you? Yeah, I do have some unresolved people, you know. Unfortunately, quite a few of them have passed, so I don't think that. Do you believe in going to somebody's grave and having that conversation and you feel better about it, like you have to actually go to the physical place to have that resolution?
Speaker 2:I don't. That's never been how I have felt, but I could understand how that could be something that adds to the healing process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah maybe Quite a few of them have passed away. Some of them are still alive. But I do, weirdly, I do have some people that have hurt me pretty significantly. And you know what Another twist there's some people. I don't want it, I don't want the apology. They hurt me so much, so deeply, that I don't want to even be in their presence and hear an. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:I feel like for me I guess there's another person I was thinking about I don't think I would believe the apology, so it doesn't make any sense to even try to go that route.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you can hurt. We can hurt somebody and we can be hurt so badly that what we're saying in this episode is 100% true. It can change your whole entire perspective on humanity and yourself and love and trust and all the things. So, unfortunately, you can change, keep going and be a better person. And you know this podcast has grown from our hurts and pains. Oh, absolutely so. It can all be redeemed. I believe that there is redemption in a lot of things and I did a whole thesis on restoration ministry, but I also believe that the pains are still there and I let them fuel these types of episodes. So I don't let them just sit in me and rot. But are they there? Yes, is their heart hurt? Yes, and they. I will never be who I was before those things happened.
Speaker 2:I think there's a better, more beautiful version of what you would have been had some of those things not happened. And I know that's really hard to say and believe, and I know that because I know it about myself too. There's a lot that I didn't deserve. I didn't provoke, I didn't cause, I had absolutely zero to do with it. It was someone else's decision. In the end. It's made me stronger. I want to share something with you, and it's. It's from um, it's from what I wrote for our upcoming newsletter, and it's really funny because I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't believe in coincidence at all. I don't have time to read much these days, except the books that my kids bring home and have to for school. But something prompted me to grab my favorite book again that I've read more than once, and it's Love Does by Bob Goff. I've talked about this book over and over. I believe with all my heart. Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it doesn't matter for the book purpose. You, you I think anybody could read this book and get everything out of it that you were intended to, whether you do or don't believe in a higher being, but I love that book. It's my favorite book.
Speaker 2:So we were going on a car ride and I grabbed it. I randomly opened it to I actually believe it was page 117 only to find it was not by coincidence, it was chapter 18. Each of the chapters are just individual stories, and so this was a story about how the author hitchhiked after college and he would go on these hitchhiking adventures and he would always ask where are you going? So if a car pulled up to him he would say hi, my name's Bob, where are you headed? Maybe they would say the Grand Canyon and he'd be like oh, I've already been there, thanks, I'll wait for the next ride if he didn't feel comfortable. So it kind of gave him a way out by saying well, where are you headed? Because if you're not heading in the same direction it can cause problems, and this will all come full circle here in a minute or two.
Speaker 2:So one day he's hitchhiking, he stopped at this ice plant and he's there for 24 hours and he's got. He has had no ride, his thumbs are up, nobody's stopping. So he gets real antsy to get on the go again Again, 24 hours. He's just been sitting there, so he lets his guard down. He makes a mistake by getting into a man's van who said his name was Satan. Okay, he doesn't find this out until he gets into the van and he sees all kinds of interesting things. He saw a picture of feet on his dashboard.
Speaker 2:The man he said smelled terrible. The way that Bob Goff described it is. He said the smell could have knocked over a water buffalo at 50 yards. And he said he immediately knew they were not headed toward the same place. So he asked to get out. Satan said nothing. So Bob was getting real nervous at this time and he decided to get real firm, made some threats, said some curse words all the ones he knew he said and finally the guy pulled over and let him out. And then the next time Bob put his thumbs out he was a bit more apprehensive. So, in his words, he learned a lot that day. He said quote we have a lot more power to decide who we do life with than some people think. And if you make a bad pick, like I did, you need to do what it takes to get out of the car.
Speaker 2:He said I don't mean to sound callous, because the bad ones need friends too. They just don't need you. That freed me instantly reading that. It's like I knew it, but the way he phrased it was just light bulb material, okay. And he said Jesus doesn't give Satan any grace, he just speaks the truth to him and tells him to go away. If Satan had come back saying he was sorry, that would be different, but of course he didn't and he won't. Some people learn to be altruistic and caring and some people don't. You don't always know right away. What I've decided is a pretty good idea is to just ask people where they're going before you get in with them.
Speaker 1:Isn't that great? Oh my gosh, I love that. It's so good. I mean, it's such a great visual it is, isn't it? Yeah, and I love the thought of asking somebody, and that's just getting to know somebody before you become their friend. Honestly, in some situations you want to know where they are in life and where they're heading before you want to jump in, jump on board.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. You know. Here's my example. My example is let's say that you're a recovering addict. Okay, let's say you're a recovering alcoholic and you meet some new friends and you're like, oh, these people seem really cool. And then you find out what do they want to do five days a week? They want to go to the bar and drink. You can't go to the bar and drink with them. Want to go to the bar and drink. You can't go to the bar and drink with them. You can, you can be acquaintances with them, but you can't get in too deep with them, Because getting in too deep with them will bring you down and it will start you in a path that you don't want to go down anymore, Because addiction is an everyday battle. And so that's just what I think about too when, when I talk about that Bob Goff story and I just I love it so much. The bad ones need friends too. They just don't need you Now. Think about that. Think about that for a minute.
Speaker 2:The group of people that really bothered me this summer. You all deserve each other. You can have each other. You don't deserve me, you don't need me, I am not like you. I do wish you all very well, but you don't get me, and that's okay. They can be their own little group. But then also I will say anyone close to someone in that group can't be close to me. It's just how the boundaries work for me.
Speaker 1:Oh, you know what that's interesting? Because I feel betrayed. Now there are people that I've had to cut out of my life that are so toxic for me, and it hurts that I've had to cut them out of my life because they should be in my life, but they've been so toxic that we've had to sever the relationship. And you know that's interesting that you said that, because I do feel a betrayal if somebody who is friends with me is friends with them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, same, I feel it too, and I mean an acquaintance. That that's one thing, but you know, if someone who's super close to me is going to get super close in there, that that's not going to work for me. I'll just remove myself because there, there's and it's. I may be wrong with this, but this is just how I feel. I cannot then be that close. If you're going in with the wrong crowd, in my opinion, I can't do it because I have to protect myself.
Speaker 1:And they know what that person has done to you Exactly. And if they can't honor your relationship and believe what you're saying, enough to say you know what I'm going to keep them at a distance too, you know, I mean, hey, I am so loyal to my friends.
Speaker 2:I think it's wise.
Speaker 1:I'm so loyal to my friends that if I found out that somebody hurt you and they were standing in front of me, oh they would know how upset I am, as if it had happened to me too, you know that's how.
Speaker 2:That's how I am too, and I, you, you know. Not everybody has to agree with me, that's that's totally okay, but that is how I feel, yeah and I will.
Speaker 1:I will protect myself well, I have a quote um with this episode and I I don't know who said it. The deepest wounds aren't always visible. They come from the words and actions that shatter our trust in others, ourselves and the world. Healing is possible, but we often leave pieces of ourselves behind in the process.
Speaker 2:Amen. It's hard but true. It also gives me hope. You know, healing is possible, but we could do a lot less hurt if we could just be a little more kind. That's what I think.
Speaker 1:I just want to ask you this before we go Do you think that there are parts that are so deep and hurt they've been hurt so bad Do you think that there's a part that doesn't get healed or is still lying on that ground?
Speaker 2:I'm sure it's different for everyone. For me personally, I can think of a family member who's hurt me so deeply that the boundaries are just the wall. They're walls. They're not windows, they're not doors, they're concrete walls that are so tall. I'll never let the person in again. So but but am I healed from it? I am, I do believe I'm healed from it. It's just, it was so repetitive that I won't let it happen ever again. So I would say there are pieces that are gone that can never be put back together. The time I lost with my mom and dad because of this person years ago, I can never get that back. Have I forgiven, so that I cannot be angry about it? Yes, but did I forget? No, have I moved on? Absolutely, but they're not even a thought in my mind ever. Right, right.
Speaker 1:It reminds me of. I don't know if you know who Patsy Claremont is, but she's an author speaker. I don't even know if she does that anymore, because she would be older now. But you know another woman that's just full of wise words and on one of the covers of her she has a book that's called Cracked Pots, I believe, and it's just so beautiful because just got this pot and it has a crack down the middle of it, but it's a light shining out of the cracked pot and even though we're broken, you know, that's where the beauty can shine through. Yes, the light still gets in.
Speaker 2:Right, it gets in and it gets out I was just gonna say and it, and it goes out too, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, so I mean, there is so much beauty, even though that we can hurt to our depths. Now, do I hurt all the time? No, because of those things. No, in fact, what you just said, I don't even think of them, I don't even think of the pain most of the time, but we've had episode on triggers, and that's when you know that it's still in there. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:You know, I think it leaves scars. I think a good visual is, I think it can leave scars. You know, they heal, yes, they do. The skin closes back up, yes, it does, but it leaves a mark, and so I, I think that's where I would would say you know, with the, with a few things, that's how it is for me, and we just have to be cautious and careful with our words and just lead with love.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think we can't go wrong if we do that. Well, it's been great to be back. Thank you so much for listening, for watching us today. This is Real Talk with Tina and Anne. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
