.png)
Real Talk with Tina and Ann
Tina and Ann met as journalists covering a capital murder trial, 15 years ago. Tina has been a tv and radio personality and has three children. Ann has a master's in counseling and has worked in the jail system, was a director of a battered woman's shelter/rape crisis center, worked as an assistant director at a school for children with autism, worked with abused kids and is currently raising her three children who have autism. She also is autistic and was told would not graduate high school, but as you can see, she has accomplished so much more. The duo share their stories of overcoming and interview people who are making it, despite what has happened. This is more than just two moms sharing their lives. This is two women who have overcome some of life's hardest obstacles. Join us every Wednesday as we go through life's journey together. There is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey.
Real Talk with Tina and Ann
Giving our Mental Health a Fresh Start
What if you could transform your life not by setting daunting goals, but by embracing subtle, sustainable habits? This week on Real Talk with Tina and Anne, we promise to guide you through the journey of personal growth and self-care, inspired by James Clear's "Atomic Habits." We share personal stories, especially those that resonate with mothers who often put others first, highlighting the profound effect addiction can have on families. Discover the importance of recognizing your own needs and practicing self-kindness amidst life's challenges.
Ever wonder how dealing with difficult people can teach you more about yourself than you realize? We dive into the notion of self-reflection and the art of setting boundaries. Learn why maintaining your true character in the face of adversity is essential, and how to turn potentially negative interactions into opportunities for personal growth. Through our anecdotes, we highlight the power of choice, encouraging you to live intentionally and authentically, while being mindful of the voices that truly matter.
Join us as we explore the transformative power of rest and the courage it takes to ask for help. Delve into the challenges of managing emotions and the importance of forgiveness, even when apologies are not forthcoming. Our conversation touches on the joy of lifelong learning and curiosity, from crafting to language acquisition, and how these pursuits can enrich our personalities and relationships. Listen in to learn how prioritizing rest and seeking support are powerful steps toward growth and self-improvement.
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. I am Tina.
Speaker 2:And I am Anne. You know, at the beginning of every year we all make resolutions and it is like walk every day, lose 20 pounds, and it's very task-oriented and sometimes, just because it is a task, something we don't want to do, we really have a hard time doing it past one month, but if we just do some key things, it actually will lead to the same results without us even realizing that it's a task. That would be really something, huh.
Speaker 1:Yeah it would. I fall into that category. I get so excited and yeah, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this, and I do it for a while. It's like I'm good for three or four weeks and then I fall off some way somehow. And getting back up is the biggest struggle. And I know it's supposed to be simple just start, but that can be so hard. I don't understand why, but I do feel like we talked about this book before. It is James Clear. The book is Atomic Habits and he talks a lot about this very thing.
Speaker 2:You know we all have things that we need to change. You know, when we go into the year, we make a kind of like this self-analysis and we go, yeah, I need to change this, I need to do this. And you know we all do so.
Speaker 1:I think going into any new year or any new day actually, that we can genuinely say we need to change something that will make us a better person. My eight-year-old just the other day said that he has goals that he has set for himself and I won't share them because some of them are personal, you know, for him. But it was really cute how he said it. He sounded like a little man and I said, well, I don't know of these goals, will you share them with me? And so he did and I thought these are really good goals. So the next step after that is everyone I think probably knows is you have to do the next step. You know the next first step, so we'll see if we can get there and how long it lasts.
Speaker 2:Well, we do have a list and I actually really love these and you know, they really are the kind of it's the kind of list that you don't even realize you're doing it, if you just allow yourself to try to be your best.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that something that's really important for all of us is putting self-care, our own selves, at the top of the list, because if we can't help ourselves, we are not able to help others. It's that whole analogy of if you're on a plane and you need to put your gas mask, don't do that. If you need to put your oxygen mask on first. You know they say, put it on first because you have to help yourself before you can help someone else. I can tell you that I am entering a season of feeling just completely overwhelmed and shutting down, and I don't.
Speaker 1:I think part of it is just because of the holiday season being here, but part of it is just you know some of the hard parts of life that happened to so many of us. And don't worry, if it hasn't happened to you yet, it will. That's what a wise woman has. My counselor has always said to me if you, if it hasn't happened to you yet, don't worry, it will. Hard times you've got to exclude, but I think that the very first thing is you Self-care is not selfish. And going along those lines, I got to read something that I found earlier today, actually from Morgan Harper Nichols, and there are a couple of things that she said. So one of the things is she says you are worthy of the same kind words and consideration that you would give to others. I think that's pretty powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, I often wonder why I talk to myself and we've actually talked about this on the podcast before but I've actually wondered why I've talked to myself so much, worse than I would allow anybody else to talk to myself, or I would be like, wait a second, they just said. But you know, sometimes I find myself talking like that to myself. But I love this because you know so many times, especially as a mom and you know what this is like, tina, that we put ourselves last and I just did a podcast with someone and all this stuff was happening to her. It was really awful stuff and someone asked her how it affected her and she hadn't even thought about it. I mean, she had thought about everybody else, but not how it affected her. And we often make sure everybody else is okay and then we think, wait, am I okay? And most of the time I don't even think I asked that question.
Speaker 1:I think it's a good one to ask, and I'll tell you where this really applies, at least personally and in lots of interviews that I have done throughout my career, lots of interviews that I have done throughout my career and it would be in the addiction arena.
Speaker 1:So, when I was growing up, my brother now I'm older than my brother, but he is an addict and he was a recovering addict at one point, but he is again an addict and when I still lived at home, nobody ever thought how it impacted me, and it wasn't until that's so interesting, yeah, nobody. And even when I brought it to the attention of my parents, you know, maybe a year, two years, I can't even remember the timeframe but sometime later they were like wow, I never even thought about that because they were so consumed with the addict, and so there were so many layers that I, as a sibling, dealt with. I mean, I basically didn't have my mom and dad for a whole year. Now, granted, I was older and, you know, in my early 20s, but you still want your family around, you know.
Speaker 2:Everybody that's involved. When somebody is in, you know the thick of addiction. Everybody's sick Right and it is a family disease. It is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I think some families don't realize that, and so that's what I wanted to say is that's the? When you said that, that is, what I thought about was yes, I've been there where I was like, am I okay? No, I'm not okay, but nobody else could see that I wasn't okay. Yeah, that's an interesting one. I wanted to go back to the Morgan Harper Nichols. Some of the quotes that I've read from her, because she talks about these are what she calls her things to remember this December, and this was another powerful one for me. And it said being yourself should never have to mean being by yourself, and you are free to take small shifts toward discovering what supportive spaces could look like in a way that leads to meaningful connection. I think that's a good self-care one too.
Speaker 2:It is because you're being intentional, you know I love that's a good self-care one too. It is because you're being intentional, you know, I love that.
Speaker 1:And basically to me, it speaks to my heart If someone is making you uncomfortable and disturbing your peace, you don't have to be around that Don't Find your people. It's so true we need our tribe, which then goes into. I love how she also said the progress you have already made, no matter how small, are integral parts of your growth. That deserves a big amen, I think. And she ends it up with. She ends with give yourself permission to add your own health and well-being to the list of things you care about. We absolutely should care about us, because people depend on and love us and same we reciprocate that, and so we really do matter.
Speaker 2:That's why it's even first on our list, because we need to take care of us first, because if we don't, and we need to know when to weed people out, when not to let people in, and that's really important because people can be life-sucking and if we go into things and we've had our life sucked out of us, you know we're never our best self, so, and we'll know, we will absolutely know when we feel drained and when somebody is doing that, contributing to that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, pay attention to how you feel around people, yes, and how you make other people feel. I mean, in being all fair, I mean, yeah, that's good, but why no?
Speaker 2:just kidding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, at the end of the day, what does it really matter? It doesn't matter. They could leave whatever Just kidding, I mean, that's a valid point too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I mean it does go both ways. I mean you're absolutely right, we do need to be very conscientious about how we make other people feel and we need to be intentional about it.
Speaker 1:When you think about the new year, what else are you thinking of?
Speaker 2:Well, I think that we need to be, or we could be, the person that you respect. And I just absolutely love this one, because if you go to sleep every day knowing that you reflect who you want to reflect, then that's awesome. But I know that there are things that we face and can say, geez, I really shouldn't have done that, or I really shouldn't have said that, or maybe I should have reached out to this person, or maybe I shouldn't have said that swear word or whatever you know. I mean, we really need to look at ourselves and say are we really reflecting who we are and be the person that we would respect?
Speaker 1:You know, just kind of a funny thing, but it goes with what you're saying is I read something recently that it was kind of like, I guess, a dig at someone if they were not being very kind to you and you could say well, I hope that you get the same treatment that you give to others, or I hope that you're treated the same way you treat others. But it's true, it's true. If you're giving that out, would you want to be on the receiving end? I don't think so. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I have this mind. That normally goes to being a smart you know what, and so I. But what I think and what I say are completely different things. Right, I am thinking a lot, I'm saying, oh you know, and being really sweet about it a lot of times. So I mean, but it's only because I really do want to reflect who I really am. And that comes down to that one you had said in a podcast recently about yeah, I would treat you the way that you're treating me, but it's not in my character. Right, yeah, Because we want to reflect who we really are.
Speaker 1:Right and we don't want other people to change us. We're going to come across crappy people and yeah, I think so many of us have but no, you're not going to change who I am just because of who you are, and I think that's actually one of the most important things to remember, that it's so important to know that usually I would say the overwhelming majority of the time the way that someone treats you is a reflection of them, not you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely 100%. Or you and I were talking before we came on and I shared a story with you, and sometimes somebody really might just be having a bad day and it's just in the moment, right, and sometimes just being kind back. You know, and I have learned this so many times and this has been a really good lesson to me to wait it out, sure, before you do anything or say anything. Wait it out, because most of the time, things will resolve themselves just because of time, and maybe it was just a moment in time, but if there's a pattern, then you have to look at that also.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's important too. Yeah, I can't remember the quote I had read too. It was along those lines and it did talk about be mindful of people's actions. Basically, if they're repetitive, you know that's showing their character. But then someone actually made a good point about that, like, what if you broke your arm, for example, and you had to do things differently because it wasn't healed yet, and they were referring to? Well, what if someone has experienced, just say, trauma, who hasn't gotten help yet for it? They were treated differently, and I liked that perspective shift.
Speaker 1:However, it doesn't change the fact that I don't think that's a free pass to be an awful person and be rude. I mean, we all have, you know, instances where that's happened. We've had bad days. I don't call them bad days, I call them bad moments of the day or hard moments. But I think that the first step is realizing, then that you have a problem and you need to get that help for it. And if you don't think you have a problem, therefore you're not going to get help. I think that's even worse, because you continue to treat people like crap and you think it's okay, but it's not. You know, it's not an excuse.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, I just recently you know my kids are very real people and so we have those conversations too, and I don't want to give them a pass just because they have autism or because they have trauma in their life. And I can remember you know this was a really long time ago, but one of I don't even want to say that somebody I know she used her adoption as a reason for being bad at school and the principal called the parent and said yeah, she's saying that the reason why she's making these bad choices is because she was adopted, and it was just like no, we can't use those reasons as to why that we are making bad choices Because, as we know, things happen and it's up to us to decide how we're going to handle it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. Who wants to be a victim anyway?
Speaker 2:I don't you know none of us should want to be a victim. We need to rise above.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. Yes, and I have to. We always have to do self-reflection, and so when we're talking about beginnings, I mean this is a perfect time to do that and to start working on some of these things. And being honest with ourselves is also something that I think that we need to do, and that can be hard, but you also have to give yourself grace in the process. So don't be so hard on yourself, because really, what is happening here is that we are all growing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. You know I think I've said it before grace in space. You have said that. Yeah, it's important to remember that too, and I absolutely love self-reflection. I just asked a friend recently, you know, what is it that you love about me or not? And you know she had her answers and it was great.
Speaker 1:I don't mind that kind of thing because I'm always trying to be introspective and I want to be the best version of myself and I want to teach that to my children and generations to come. But not everybody is that way, and so it does make it a little bit tricky when you know that you're trying to get to be the best version of yourself. But I feel like I've learned some of the hard people or just kind of the awful people in my life who have kind of come and thankfully gone. I feel like I'm really grateful for them too, because they have taught me something very, very valuable. They've taught me to be stronger. They've taught me to know, help me set better boundaries. They have taught me to really just be thankful for what is real, what is in front of me, what matters the most. So it's really put things into a better perspective and at the end of the day, I don't want any of those people in my life. Anyway, I don't have to be unkind.
Speaker 1:And in Tupac's words I love this. Read something that he said. I just thought that is it. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. He said just because you've lost me as a friend doesn't mean you've gained me as an enemy. I want to see you eat, just not at my table. And I thought that's me. There are a lot of people that I don't want you to eat at my table. But I wish you well. I hope you still eat. I hope you find your way and get better and become a better person, but I don't want you at my table. Yeah, yeah, isn't that good?
Speaker 2:I thought that was so good. I think that I'm going to write that down, I think so that's really good I could. It's something to live by as a pass on. It's okay to say that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. You know, I think we can always be kind Sure and yes, are we going to mess up? Yes, Can we apologize? Yes, does that always make it all better.
Speaker 1:No, but here's the bottom line is we don't all have to sit at the same table. Okay, if you have a toxic group of people, no offense, I'm not inviting you over to my table. You sit there. I hope you eat well, that's fine, but you have some learning and growing to do and you need to just stay over there. You're not coming to my table, and I think that's okay. If it disturbs your peace, let it go.
Speaker 2:You know, whenever we do these podcasts, I always leave with something, and I think that that's one of the big things I'm going to leave with you know.
Speaker 1:I love that. It's been ruminating, you know, it's really helping me through Instead of being so angry with people who have wronged you. Yeah, I think if we just have that perspective, listen, you go sit over there and eat, and I hope you do, just don't come over here, and it's kind of like a boundaries thing, and I really like it. Well, I know, one of the other things that I think is next important is being the creator of who you want to be is next important is being the creator of who you want to be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, that is so true and I absolutely love that one. I have, like, this vision board and I have things on it that I know that I really want to do, and you know, you're never too old to become your best self, to work on yourself, to write your own story, and we did a podcast this year on writing your own script or being the director of your play, and we talked about choosing what train car that we wanted to ride in, and, yeah, it was awesome. We had a really great response from that. But you know, that is about choice and we are the writers of who we want to be every single day of our lives.
Speaker 2:And I think, too, that we often say you know, I'm 20 or 30 or 40, whatever, and we have so much time, but in reality, we have today and what are we going to do with it? How do we want to represent? What do we want to accomplish? Who do we want to be in control of our lives? Who do we want to be at our table? Who do we want to include? You know, at the end of the day, where do we want to be, and it doesn't have to be task-oriented at all. It is just simple questions to ourselves that will help us to get there, without even realizing that that's what we're doing.
Speaker 1:And when you talk about growth, I know that that can trigger some people who are stagnant, and so being authentic can trigger people who are wearing masks. And so I just wanted to add don't let anyone's comfort zone hinder your growth and authenticity. Be uniquely you, as long as the you is a good version. I'm not saying go out and be an awful person. I'm just saying don't let other people's in other words, perhaps maybe jealousy of you make you into less.
Speaker 1:Growth is important and everyone grows at their own pace, and I've shared this before, I believe, on air, but I have told one of our children for a while now that people are going to love you and people are going to hate you for your talent. Let my voice and your dad's voice be the loudest voices that you hear, because we love you the most and we have your best interest at heart. That is why and it's been such a it's really come into play this year, and I think you know our son really understands it and I hate to have to say it, but that is the truth of the world. I mean it really is, especially, you know, in various arenas. It could be sports, it could be how smart somebody is. You know it could be with their job. You just, I think, if you have that mindset, in other words, listen to the people who you're closest to and who know and love you best, yeah, and also let your own voice be louder than theirs Absolutely, that's yeah great point to add Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we have the choice to be the one that's in control. Here's one how about speak with purpose every day? You know that doesn't mean that we can't be goofing around and have a good time like we were a little bit ago. But, you know, be intentional in our speech to others. Make sure that what we're saying represents who we are, like I said earlier. But also make sure that if someone needs kindness, that that's what we do. That's what we're saying represents who we are, like I said earlier, but also make sure that if someone needs kindness, that that's what we do, that's what we give. Make sure that, if we need to have that conversation with someone, that we're very intentional about it. Make sure our words really do represent who we are in the conversations that we need to have throughout the day.
Speaker 1:I think that's so important too. Yeah, I love that. Speak with purpose. The words we say do matter, because it's not true, sticks and stones break your bones.
Speaker 1:Sure, words do hurt, they really can hurt. They have the power to breathe life or take it away. They truly do, and so that's why I love. I mean, I guess I'm full of quotes today, but the movie Wonder, my favorite quote from there, given the choice between being right and being kind, always choose kind, because it is a choice. You know you can be happy and sad at the same time, and then I hope that the you know, you kind of move past the sadness and you move toward happiness. It's, it really is a choice.
Speaker 1:You know, today, today, I was at a candy place with my youngest son and I was taking him to experience this place for the first time, where you get your own little box of candy, you just handpick it, and the lady behind the counter was just really, really grumpy. I happen to know that she's older and is the owner. I happen to know that she's older and is the owner, and so I just gave extra smiles and extra oh, it's okay. She actually forgot part of what I ordered and I had to go back 20 minutes later and go get it. Once I noticed it and that was okay and I feel like, maybe because I was so kind to her that when I came back the second time she actually then seemed like a total different person, very, very kind. Who knows, maybe she was hangry, maybe she I don't know what it was but something about I was like nope, nothing is going to ruin this first experience for my son and I.
Speaker 1:So I am just going to keep smiling like this and, oh, I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood you know just one of those things, but I do think that you can be kind, and I actually think that's really one of the true tests of humility is when you are asked to be kind to someone who hasn't been kind to you or to serve someone who hasn't been kind to you. I've had to do that. I know how hard that is, and sometimes I'm like nope, not doing that. Did you see how they treated me? Are you kidding me right now? And it's like fine, that's what you want me to do, and I have done it because that is my heart, and so that's. I guess that was a long way of saying yes, speak with purpose, because it really does have the power to breathe life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know well, you can fight with kindness. I guess too. I can remember when I had bullies in school and my mom had told me the best way to fight people who are trying to be unkind to you is just, you know, be kind back. And they just don't even know what to do with it sometimes because they realize, wait a second, I mean you're supposed to be unkind back, and so then it's going to be this back and forth. But if we just go in with kindness and intent then and choose our words very carefully, then we get a different result loud and I think it shuts down a variety of people.
Speaker 1:I think it shuts down the narcissists. I think it can shut down the bullies. I think just nothing, saying absolutely nothing, is another huge piece of self-care, is another huge piece of growth, is another huge piece of speaking with purpose, because silence speaks so loudly. That's my opinion.
Speaker 2:No, I do that, I've done it, and it's really hard. I'm learning, it is really hard but it works. It does work and if you wait it out and trust the process which is what I always say it really does. When you get on the other side of it and it's like, wow, I mean, that worked.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and I think you feel more empowered and stronger.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely. You get more accomplished with less words.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true, it absolutely is true. Plus, you're not giving someone what they want. You know the other person typically wants a fight in a fight, and so you just shut it down. They're like, well, crap.
Speaker 2:It's also giving them your more time, more energy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, listen, your peace is worth protecting. I'll say it a hundred times, it really truly is. You don't have to engage with that. You can walk away and you're the bigger person by doing so. Well, as we're talking about I'll preach it as we're talking about feelings, I think we shouldn't be our feelings. However, I struggle with this one, I know, even though I know feelings are indicators, not dictators. I am a big feeler. That is how I am hardwired. I don't know how to separate that, because when I feel so strongly about something, I don't know how to not act on that. Some of those feelings are valid and need to be acted upon, and some of them are not, and I need to wait it out and trust the process and remember what I know to be true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a hard one for me too, because they're so enmeshed, I mean, and sometimes it really is. Is this how I'm feeling, or is this a fact, or is this what I really should do, or is my feelings just telling me that this is what I should do? So, yeah, I mean, I have this all the time, but I'm getting, I'm pretty good at it, but I still really mess up a lot. I think we do all the time. You know, if I listen to my feelings, for one thing it would be a lie, and I've had to intentionally ignore that. I'm scared and do it anyway. And I've had to ignore how someone has made me feel and do what I need to do anyway. And I've had to put my feelings aside many times to accomplish the things that mean the most to me. My feelings aside many times to accomplish the things that mean the most to me, and for some reason, our feelings just want to stand in the way of our success.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, that's so good. You know, I've been thinking a lot this week about I think it goes with this about accepting an apology I do deserve and I'll never get. About accepting an apology I do deserve and I'll never get. And it's so interesting to me how I don't even know how to really word it how I've been able to forgive a family member in my life for something long, long, long, long, long ago that this person will never apologize for, and I've just accepted that and moved past it and, you know, got help from the experience.
Speaker 1:But some of the things that are more fresh right now are a lot harder to do that with. In other words, I haven't been able to do that yet, and so I'm hoping to be able to get to that point because I don't want to keep looking backwards. I'm not going that way, you know. I want to want to keep looking backwards. I'm not going that way, you know. I want to be able to move forward. And so I'm like, why do these feelings keep coming up? I mean, I'm happy that these people are out of my life. I just I think that it's never easy to know that you've been backstabbed or blindsided, that I would never do that to someone, and so that kind of snake-like behavior, as I refer to it, really bothers me. So you know, yeah, really trying to work through those feelings and iron them out and figure out okay, why am I still thinking about this? If I don't even want these people in my life, how do I heal from it then? So yeah, this one is so tricky for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, even as old as I am, you know, it is hard sometimes to be able to separate those things, and even recently I've allowed my feelings to dictate my actions and I get mad at myself that I do that. So I know it's difficult.
Speaker 1:Well, I let my feelings get to me today. When I went to that candy store I was like, yes, I need to eat five of these, two of these I had to try. You know, I had to sample what I got. And then of course I'm like dang it. I've been working really hard at monitoring my sugar intake and of course I go and tempt myself by going to this candy shop I was like, what are you doing?
Speaker 2:And I've been really good. I have cut sugar pretty much out and I'm just I don't even want it anymore. So I mean, I'm proud of myself about that, I'm proud of you too. So on healthyplacecom they say you are what you decide you are at any given moment, not how you feel, not how you were raised. Those are defaults, like the defaults on a word processor, and you can be overridden at any time by conscious decision. On some days your defaults may be perfectly good because the circumstances and your feelings line up to make you act exactly as you wish, but the rest of the time you'll have to take over the controls.
Speaker 2:I just love this because I never really thought about those being defaults. You know, and I understand that so well, because factory reset, like most of the time, I don't want to go back to factory reset on my phone, on any of my devices or anything. Sometimes you have to and you have no other choice. Want to go back to factory reset on my phone, on any of my devices or anything. Sometimes you have to and you have no other choice but to go back to factory default in order to start from the beginning and maybe work on some things from the beginning. But I thought that that was so cool. It was like a really good visual to me and I want to be the one that's taking over the controls.
Speaker 1:It makes me think of the movie Inside Out. That's what I think of when you're talking about this. That's all I can think of is that movie and how the happy balls come down and then the sad ones and that's stored in internal memory. And then sadness. In Inside Out 1, I think it was her. She takes everything away and it resets and it makes a completely different memory, for I can't think of her name in the movie for the young girl.
Speaker 1:But that's such a good example of words to describe that movie for me and that's something that I need to process because I've never thought about it like that either. But here's what I would say, maybe like I don't know if it's a caveat per se, I do think how you act speaks volumes consistently. How you act speaks volumes consistently. Of course, room for errors, because none of us are perfect. But if you told yourself I'm kind, but you are unkind on the daily, well, that doesn't make you kind because you think you are or you want to be. You actually have to take steps to be who you tell yourself that you are, and I believe it's a process.
Speaker 2:I've actually been a little hard on my son right now because he's into this thing now where he does things intentionally not nice and just says sorry, oh, but I said sorry, right.
Speaker 1:But it wasn't.
Speaker 2:He'll say but mama, I really am sorry and I'm like I'm sorry, buddy, but your actions are gonna speak a lot louder than that sorry. So we'll see, and you need to stop doing it. If you really are sorry, then you really will stop.
Speaker 1:That is the key. That's when you know if someone really means that they are sorry. Is its behavior transformation? Yes, you can't do the same thing 20 times and say you're sorry every time. I don't buy it. You have to do something different.
Speaker 2:And I want him to learn that. Sure, I mean, he really does think right now in his life that if he says sorry, that it's erased, Right.
Speaker 1:That's just a step towards like reconciliation, but it's not the be all, end all, and that's what I tell my kids too. I say you can say you're sorry. It's up to the other person that they want to forgive you or not, and I hope that they do. But that's just one step. The next step is you do it different the next time it comes around, right, no? So if you're pushing your brother over or you know you're beating up your little brother and you say, oh, I'm sorry because you got caught, and your little brother gets hurt, that's it. That's it Got caught. You know that's. You can't keep doing that and saying you're sorry because you're not, because you're not learning from that, you're not growing from that. You have to have growth and change In order for an apology. I feel like to be a worthwhile one, a sincere one.
Speaker 2:Right, and that goes all the way into adulthood? Yes, it does, because I know people that you know they're mean, I'm sorry, they're mean, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:So no, and that's when we can choose, that we don't have to accept somebody's apology if we know for sure that it's not sincere. Absolutely, absolutely. This is one of my favorites. Don't give up. And you know, I just got to read a book from a woman who had domestic abuse in her past and she's actually going to be on the podcast soon. But this is a quote and I'm telling you what this hit me so hard and I want to read this every single day. I think I'm going to hang it up in my house. Pain is temporary. Our percentage of making it through tough days is 100%, so we're going to be able to make it to the next time.
Speaker 1:Yes, I've always, always, always, I should say in the last decade of my life, I've told myself pain is temporary, you know we were not guaranteed that we were going to feel no pain physical, mental, emotional, spiritual in this lifetime here.
Speaker 1:But even when I was giving birth to my children, I had them all by C-section and I can tell you that each one was more painful. I don't know why. I'm told it's kind of how it goes and I wouldn't take any narcotics for it because of family history of addiction. And I just remember telling myself over and over and over, as I'm writhing and crying in absolute agony, that pain is temporary. And so, yes, did it take me a couple of extra days to heal than it would have someone who took the narcotics? Yeah, it didn't. They told me that, but I did it. I knew it was temporary and I knew that I made it the day before. So I'm going to make it today because I knew each day it was going to get better. So, yes, absolutely love it.
Speaker 2:Love that quote. You know, on the other side of that, with a C-section, I had a hysterectomy when I was 30 years old. That's young. Yes, you know my personality, tina, when they tell me that I need to rest that's, yeah, what's happening.
Speaker 2:right, it's not happening. So the the I mean there are times in our life and this is a good one to know when we need to rest, because and listen to that I got up, I got home, I had friends come visit me there were like three of them and they wanted to go on a walk without me and I was like I'm going, the fear of missing out kicked in.
Speaker 2:I was we walked for a while around the block and all this stuff. And the next day and the next day I had just come home from a hysterectomy which back then was just like a C-section and you know you're cut from the belly down and wow. But anyway, that's one for me that I need to know. Your body's telling you that you need to rest. So, because I'm not really good at that, the other day I was so busy into everything and somebody said to me and I said, yeah, I got this and this and this and this. And they said, well, if you didn't have that, what would you do? I'd be like oh, yeah mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe I'd still fill my day up with things that I needed to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true. That is true. I am really trying to make rest a priority for me. I am really trying to make rest a priority for me. I'm really listening to my body, especially because I don't know where I read this from, but myself and some of my friends are entering perimenopause and it's kind of messing with our bodies and maybe our minds even a little bit. And so also I do take anxiety medication. I've been on it for the last year and it's been great, but sometimes it also just I'm just tired, just plain tired, and I've just read a little bit about that, how it can make you. All of those combinations of things can make you feel more tired, and sometimes you just simply need more rest, and so I've been trying to do that and not feeling guilty about it.
Speaker 1:You know, sometimes I just need it, I can't really help it.
Speaker 2:Everything on this list are things that we just could do, and probably should do, for ourselves and not feel guilty about it, because they're all for us, absolutely, and we're just a better person. You know, one of the things that I want to do is not look further than what is right in front of me, because, you know, being present, yes, and the problem sometimes, or whatever it is that I or we want to accomplish, you know, many times we want to look at it as the bigger picture, and many times I've done that in my life and it comes across too hard to tackle and I have to break it down and make it so I can see it to achieve it. You know, see it to achieve it, which, by the way, I made up. That's a good one, I know, but it's true, if you can't see how to get there, that you're so overwhelmed, and so I'll break it down until it just is like the step in front of me, just the very next one, and then the next one, and I do that, and then I figure out what I have to do and it will normally write itself, and I think that that's such a good lesson that it will normally write itself.
Speaker 2:So we don't have to look at the bigger picture because if we break it down, it truly will write itself. But I can tell you, if that you are looking at the entire thing, it's too overwhelming and you probably won't get anything done. Plus, when you are doing life, it is done in steps anyway. We never achieve anything that large or anything in life basically in its entirety. That's a great point. Yeah, I mean looking at everything as a stepping stone and you realize that it's just a step to the very next thing that we have to do anyway on our journey.
Speaker 1:That's a lot to take in right there. That was great, ann. Geez, we could put that whole thing on a quote magnet. I don't know that it would fit, but we could. So good, I don't think I've ever thought about it quite like that. You know, you read the different things that say just one step at a time, next step we talked about that earlier in the podcast. But when you sit down and think about how life is done in steps, yeah, or stages, you know however you want to call it Seasons, yeah, everything. I just feel like how you put it together makes perfect sense, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think that that really helps and you know, and it's really good to have a vision board and that's one thing that could be task oriented a little bit, but for you to be able to see what you want to do and break it down in steps actually really does help. You know, if I need help, I'm going to ask for help more often and Tina, I know you know me really well and I don't ask for help. I don't know how to ask for help, so I'm going to intentionally try to ask for help more often this year.
Speaker 1:Well, I think that's such a great goal, I think that's so good, and this is another one where I struggle too. I don't often ask for help, like the day I showed up at your door just a complete, absolute sobbing mess, and really is how we reconnected, I would say.
Speaker 2:We were doing the podcast and everything up till then, but we were still connected.
Speaker 1:But maybe at a deeper level. That's what I mean. But you know that if I'm showing up or I'm asking for help, that it's something that is really serious for me, that I'm really, really struggling with. But it shouldn't always take to get to the struggle point, the breaking point, to ask for that kind of help. You know, point the breaking point. To ask for that kind of help, you know, because I would want to give that to anybody who's you know in my close circle, or you know any neighbor, any. You know I'm ready and willing to help however I can, and so I find it interesting that I feel that way, but yet it's hard for me to reach out and ask for help. I don't know what. I think it makes me feel like I'm weak, but I don't really feel that way. So I don't really know why it's so hard to ask for that.
Speaker 2:My tolerance for taking on everything, all the pain, everything of the day, whatever it is, is so high.
Speaker 1:Yeah, maybe you're right, maybe that is what it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think and I learned that as a little kid. So I think and I think that you did too, I think people that oftentimes have gone through different traumas whatever it is, you know, it's relative to everybody that it in some ways can teach you to allow yourself to continue to take things on, in some ways can teach you to allow yourself to continue to take things on, and I mean it's not necessarily a bad thing, but in some respects it can be.
Speaker 1:Right, right. I mean I think we should all learn how to ask for help, because at some point in our lives we're all going to need it. Yeah Well, the next one that you're ready to talk about is one of my favorites. I am a lifelong this.
Speaker 2:Learner yes, learn. Go into each day trying to learn something. Work your mind, stretch yourself. You know I'm currently homeschooling my son and I'm having a blast with him. I am so glad that we're doing this and he is so smart and no matter what comes up if we don't know it, if I can't answer his question, he's like look it up, look it up. So I am just loving learning with him.
Speaker 1:I love that too. You know, I feel like we're going to get a lot of people balking at this. I love relearning math from my oldest son. Oh, geez, yes, oh, I love, love, love it. I mean, I don't particularly love geometry by any stretch, but I love that it's something that you know he cares so much about and I can go through it. So I am a lifelong learner.
Speaker 1:My personality is the type five investigator to just around the holidays during my childhood and how difficult I made certain traditions for my parents because I was so inquisitive and I just wanted to know the whys and the answers and I wanted to investigate and just kind of dig deeper.
Speaker 1:So this has always been me I love, love, love, love learning.
Speaker 1:I remember my grandpa, before he passed, said that I would have been a great lawyer, or I would be a great, not maybe not a lawyer, but a paralegal, the person that really helps the lawyer Maybe that's not even what they're called, I don't even know but the person who really helps get all of the meat and potatoes for the lawyer ready, you know, does all the research and all of that type of thing, or a detective.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'd be a good detective, but I don't want to have to do part of the job of you know, knocking on the door and saying, I'm sorry to say, you know that type of thing, but I love, love, love learning, even if it's just random stuff or something worthwhile, or how to do a home project or how to create something you know like. Today I saw something on a craft site and I was like I totally want to make this and my neighbor gave me some craft material to be able to do it and I was able to do it even better than I think the photo, because I used all of the parts to this candy cane project to make.
Speaker 1:I was making a Grinch hand and I thought it turned out great. I just I used everything and I was so proud of myself and I mean I burnt my fingers to an absolute crisp with the glue gun, but other than that it turned out great. So I learning makes me so, so, so happy. If you couldn't tell, I love it.
Speaker 2:It does me too. I mean I think that that fuels me and I'm constantly doing things to make me stretch and you know it's so fun. I mean I guess it's a way of not being stagnant, true.
Speaker 1:And I'm slowly trying to learn my Spanish again by the app Babble. That's fun, oh, okay. Yeah, I'm just very, very slowly Like the basics. I still have them down, like they're ingrained, so I'm looking forward to moving on to some more intermediate stuff. And why? I don't have the answer of why I just I've always wanted to be bilingual. So no time like the present, I have no reason for it. I just want to be able to say I can.
Speaker 2:You know we're learning Spanish, my son and I again. I got a D minus barely passed it when I took it in high school.
Speaker 1:I don't even believe that.
Speaker 2:I could barely speak English appropriately, let alone take on a different language, and plus I didn't care. I just didn't care, I just didn't care. So I mean I so, but I'm having fun with him because it's just a really different perspective. You know, when you're working with somebody and this is my son in particular, because there's certain times you were talking about your son with geometry and my son and we're doing math together and we're doing all of these things, and I know what subjects he's great in and what subjects he's not, because then I find myself having to work harder than him.
Speaker 1:Oh, oh yeah, oh my gosh. Yes, it took me an hour and 40 minutes to figure out three math problems. Because, well, first of all, I didn't know how to find the area of a triangle, so I had to look that up. And then I was like, well, how do you find the area of a parallelogram? And then, well, how do you find the two? And then you have to divide it, and how do you? It took me that long, yeah.
Speaker 2:I couldn't remember, and that's that's good, because you're really trying to help him learn. But I'm taking this also in life, when you are working harder than somebody else in the relationship, oh, yes, okay, it just started making me think.
Speaker 1:When you're working harder than somebody else, don't yeah, yeah, I've, I've, yeah, I've gone through that too, where you know, sometimes it makes me sad to think that I've been used by some people Like how did I not see it? You know, I really was giving it my best. I don't, I don't understand, and you know it's it is. It's just another good reminder of knowing who you are, what you will and won't stand for, and picking yourself back up and trying again next time. But yeah, you're right Now.
Speaker 1:I know relationships good relationships, healthy ones can ebb and flow. You know they can ebb and flow because maybe one person becomes just too busy, or like me, with my life right now, with my children and my husband and you know sports schedule and I work and I take care of my sick mom once or twice a week. That's pretty all-consuming right there. It doesn't leave a whole lot of exactly anything else, but I'm still trying to give it a hundred percent, even if it's with a quick call or a quick text or a quick little gift or a quick get together. You know I'm planning into January and February to see a friend of mine, my best friend from high school, who I haven't seen in five, six months. It's just hard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it really is, but when somebody, they are really not, and maybe I'm giving them something or I'm helping them out in a certain area of their life, and it's a continual thing, and I find myself working much harder trying to help them through it and they're just not trying to get there. Yeah, it's just time to call it. I mean, it just made me think of that when I was thinking about it, actually when I was working really hard with him, and he's like, oh, look at this, look at this, he's just messing around, and I realized, hey, buddy, I'm working harder than you and I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 1:Right, right. I've told my kids before I've already completed this grade long ago, so this is on you now. I'm here to help, but you have to put in the work and it was hard for me to learn.
Speaker 2:I mean, I had to teach myself how to learn. So, because of how much learning meant to me, I made sure that I taught myself. Nobody was going to tell me you can't learn, You're not going to graduate high school it was like, yeah, well, you wait and see. So that's what I mean. I just couldn't get an undergrad, I had to get a master's degree.
Speaker 1:So there, you really showed everyone. I don't know if you know this, but I learned this today. Speaking of learning, albert Einstein didn't talk until he was about four years old. Yes, albert Einstein didn't talk until he was about four years old. Yes, but bigger than that. He was told he got a letter from school and he couldn't read it, and so he asked his mom can you read this to me? Well, she didn't read what it really said. She read to him that this letter says that the teachers are not able to teach you in school because you're too smart. They don't know how to teach you because you're so smart. She said so we'll have to find a different way to educate you. Well, it was only after his mother had passed that Albert Einstein found the letter, and what the letter really said was your son is too dumb to learn and he is not welcome in school. Find another way to teach him, even Albert Einstein.
Speaker 2:So, first of all, the messages that we hear is what we believe about ourselves.
Speaker 1:And that's why I was just going to say I love that the mom protected him. She kept that secret with her, took it to her grave and she said in oh, the most important part, I think, of that letter is she told him that it said you're going to change the world and make it a better place, and you believe he did make it a better place.
Speaker 2:And you believe he did. That's so beautiful. Well, yeah, yeah, that is absolutely so beautiful. I know when my kids were younger, before they could read, and we would order Chinese food and you get those cookies, oh fortune cookies.
Speaker 2:Yeah, fortune cookie. With the thing inside. They would say what does mine say? And I would read their name and say you're going to be the most amazing person in the world. And they'd be like is that what it really says? And I'd be like, yes, you know. But eventually they read and I can't do that anymore.
Speaker 1:But it was fun when you built into them. You certainly built into them Okay. So one of the things that I like to do to also better myself is to go outside my comfort zone. I like to conquer my fears. That's why I did my climbing adventure this summer and it was so, so, so great. In fact, my hands are still peeling from it. They started peeling a whole month after my rock climbing adventure and I just found that kind of funny. So I love pushing yourself past your comfort zone, because that is where you truly grow. What do you think?
Speaker 2:pool was that she said to me I'm just taking a poll, do you think I should perform? And I said yes. So she did it to everybody else in the family and so I was thinking about it and I was like she really is trying to figure this out if she should do this. So I asked her and we worked it through. I'm so glad that I picked up on that because we actually sat down, had a conversation, that I picked up on that, because we actually sat down, had a conversation and we talked about the thing why she didn't want to, why she did want to.
Speaker 2:She was afraid that she wouldn't see us, she was afraid that she would mess up, she was afraid all these eyes are on her and we just talked about all of it. And at the end of the day she was like you know what? I'm going to do it. And I said I'm so proud of you because you're choosing to live outside of your comfort zone and even if you choose that you can't do it or you don't want to do it, I'll say it that way. I'm still proud of you because you are really conquering a lot, because this is a kid that always has to live outside of her comfort zone. So I was really proud of her.
Speaker 1:I'm really proud of her too. I love how you helped her get there. I do, whether the outcome was this way or another way. I love that you really talked it out and she was able to get there, and I hope that she's able to go through with it, because I really think you do grow once you conquer those fears. It's okay to be afraid. It means you can.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what if, every day this year, we take time to find something that we can grow on? Maybe read a quote, maybe read some pages in a book, pick up that project that you've been wanting to pick up for years. You know? Maybe just sitting by yourself, just finding that calm. Maybe find that group of people that you've really wanted to connect with. They're writing a journal. Everyone has something that they've put off and they really want to do.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, I'm getting the ball rolling on mine. I've wanted to do something with all of my quotes that I've collected, and so I'm starting to get something in the works for that, because I've been thinking about that very thing.
Speaker 2:The next one I have is enjoy. You know, so many things are so task-oriented and we were talking about that earlier but I think some of the things that I do, I just do. My kids were just telling me that there was a countdown to something that they're really looking forward to and I was like, are you kidding me? I can't believe that that's already here. And so life just goes so fast and we have to remember to enjoy the long way.
Speaker 1:Yes, we have to stop, we have to be present and we have to enjoy the moments and maybe even write them down so we don't forget, because I know our memories can deceive us at times. And I think that's you know. We're planning a trip here and I'm so looking forward to it because I just want to enjoy everything about it from start to finish. It's not a completely planned out trip. If you will. It's going to be kind of one of the let's fly by the seat of our pants for some of this and see how it goes, because I think that it will be the most remembered trip that we'll be able to do with our kids. So you need to take the time to enjoy. Life truly is too short and we really need to enjoy.
Speaker 2:Well amen sister friend.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you all for listening. I hope that we have inspired you, and we would love to hear what your resolution or goal is for the coming year. So, if you would like, you can always shoot us an email or you could reply on our Facebook page. We would love to hear it.
Speaker 2:Thank you for showing up again for us and we will continue to show up for you. We love doing this journey with you. Thank you so much and we will see you next time.
