Real Talk with Tina and Ann
Tina and Ann met as journalists covering a capital murder trial, 15 years ago. Tina has been a tv and radio personality and has three children. Ann has a master's in counseling and has worked in the jail system, was a director of a battered woman's shelter/rape crisis center, worked as an assistant director at a school for children with autism, worked with abused kids and is currently raising her three children who have autism. She also is autistic and was told would not graduate high school, but as you can see, she has accomplished so much more. The duo share their stories of overcoming and interview people who are making it, despite what has happened. This is more than just two moms sharing their lives. This is two women who have overcome some of life's hardest obstacles. Join us every Wednesday as we go through life's journey together. There is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey.
Real Talk with Tina and Ann
Discarded But Not Broken: Autumn Starr Canterbury Story of Survival Part 1
What happens when the people meant to love you become the source of your deepest wounds? In this unforgettable episode, one woman shares her powerful journey through a childhood shaped by betrayal, abandonment, and unthinkable loss—yet somehow, she never gave up.
Her story is raw, riveting, and at times, almost too painful to believe. But it’s also one of grit, transformation, and an inner strength that refused to break. Through every heartbreak, she discovered something stronger than pain: purpose.
This is a conversation you won’t forget—and one that just might shift how you see your own story.
🎧 Tune in and listen closely. Because survival is just the beginning.
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. I am Anne, and before we dive in, I want to say this While today's story includes unimaginable pain, it is not defined by tragedy. It is a story of resilience, of strength born from suffering and of a spirit that refused to break. Today's guest is Autumn Starr Canterbury, and I am honored to have you on today. Thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 2:It's an honor to be here. I'm so excited to meet you guys.
Speaker 1:Now, this might seem like an unusual place to begin, but I read your story and I have to start here because it stopped me in my tracks. I mean, I just want to say you were given away by your family with a horse and let me just say this again, you were given away without any warning and I can't even imagine where that sits with you. But that moment alone says so much about the rest of your story, your childhood and the level of instability and heartbreak that you endured. And yet all that you really longed for, all that you really wanted, is what most people would want, and that's love. To our listeners, this conversation will move you, challenge you and remind you just how powerful the human spirit can be.
Speaker 1:Autumn. Your story matters and you will be heard. Let's begin where it all started, because I think this is one of the most important things. The loss of innocence is the hardest place. A lifetime of hardship is awful, but I think that there's a place where innocence is lost, and in that very moment is where this story begins, and you wrote me the words. Before the storms of life raged, before the battles of survival became my reality, there was a time of innocence. My childhood held glimpses of freedom, moments of untamed joy. Yet lurking beneath the surface was the inevitable struggle that would shape me into who I am today, that moment when the life you knew was ripped from you and is forever etched in your soul as that last time that you felt safe. Can you tell me more about before and that moment that divided time for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that moment in time that really divided me. I was 10 years old.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And it was my mother's death. She had fallen off of a horse and she crushed her skull. I have witnessed an accident, her school. I have witnessed an accident and that moment is really what started to diverse me away from kind of, I would say, reality of fun and childhood. You know, glamour, excitement, things that kept me, you know, as a child that went away at 10 years old.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I just want to tell you, you know, my dad died when I was 11. Not in a way that was as graphic as that, but it was in a moment of time where things were really great for me, just like what you were talking about. I mean, you were living on a buffalo ranch and things seemed pretty wonderful at that time. It sounded like, and then in an instant your entire life changes, so maybe you could talk more about what it was kind of like right before and right when everything changed for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally so. My parents. When I first was born, they started off working at a Buffalo ranch in Colorado and they worked for the ambassador of Austria and it was really a wonderful home. We had order, we had organization. Home, we had order, we had organization. That's where I first started going to school.
Speaker 2:At five years old, my mom and dad were together and everything seemed to be really put in place. Well, from what I did not understand, my dad was what I call a silent alcoholic. I had no idea that he was a drinker. And my mom and my dad, they argued a lot, they fought a lot and then my dad had ended up leaving the Buffalo Ranch, had a really bad accident and several of the buffalo got killed on the highway from a snowstorm. Several of the buffalo got killed on the highway from a snowstorm and through that process, my parents had to leave the buffalo ranch and they were transferred to a cattle ranch a couple miles from there. So they worked on the cattle ranch but the fighting continued. It kind of magnified, and I was around six years old when that all occurred. Well, I had left the cattle ranch, leaving my mom at this place alone to take care of the place. I don't know where he went. He just up and disappeared. And then my mom had met this other man and he started to come help. But he was a horrible alcoholic.
Speaker 2:Drinking with my mom On Christmas Eve he attempted to try to kill her. My mom left me with my aunt and my uncle and we stayed there while she went. She ended up going to New Mexico to find my father. My father was working at the racetracks in Albuquerque, new Mexico. He was a farrier working there. My mom jumped in to help During that process. My mom was going to rehab. I didn't know my father was an alcoholic going to rehab. I didn't know my father was an alcoholic and it was actually the day that we brought her home from rehab. She jumped on her horse at the ranch we were living and three runs around the track and the horse tripped and she flew and hit the starting gates. Oh my, there was a lot of a lot of shambling on before that. I learned how to survive back and forth with you know the adversity of where's dad. Now, all of a sudden, we're not together anymore.
Speaker 1:Now, all of a sudden, I'm not running around the barn chasing the cats and feeding the buffalo with my father, right, yeah, you had made a comment that the moment that you took your first breath, adversity stood at your doorstep ready to test your spirit. It sounds like that you had a lot going on from the very beginning, like you just always were having to adjust and pivot and figure it out, even though you were so small.
Speaker 2:Correct. Yes, I did.
Speaker 1:When your mother went back to your dad, you said there was some drinking, and you really didn't even know that. But you said that the drinking became the bitter lullaby that rocked you through the sleepless nights of uncertainty. What did that mean?
Speaker 2:So what that means is my mother became an habitual alcoholic herself and my father I was unaware of it that he was, you know, going behind the bar, the you know the barns, and drinking and but my mother, she was drinking constantly. You know, we lived anywhere there was alcohol basically, and that was just kind of what I knew at a very young age was alcoholism is the way adults deal with their problems.
Speaker 1:You did say and I found this very interesting because I grew up in a household that was this very same thing, where I believed that after my dad passed away, there was a lot that happened. There was a lot of abuse that happened and my mom spent the rest of our lives running from something unseen. And you actually made that statement to me. You said that you know your family was running from something unseen. How did you know that? How did you feel that?
Speaker 2:Well, I kind of knew a little bit in the back of my mind as a young child, because in the beginning of the Buffalo Ranch we got on the school bus, we went to school, we had stability, we had structure, we had order, you know. We had meals, we prayed at the dinner table. We did a lot of things together in the short time of childhood and it seemed to me, you know, as a child you're, you're wondering well, why can't I go play sports with the other kids? You know, why are my parents arguing all the time? But yet that family over there looks so well put together.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you were aware, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the the unseen, like chasing the unseen to me in a way. I look at it as because my parents were very talented but they were never satisfied, and so they were always going somewhere, thinking something was better.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay, that is really sad. And trying to be satisfied, to live right where you are to be present, where you are to be happy, right where you are to be present, where you are to be happy, right where you are. I think that that's the most beautiful place to be, and it's really sad when people are really searching. They're constantly searching for something, even though happiness is right in front of them.
Speaker 2:Right it is. And when you're young, you know your mind thinks of the little things that become big important things. You know we always go back to those little moments of being home and just having a meal together as a family means a lot. So I was definitely aware of those structures but I knew I just I was out of control of having them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you said also, a child burdened with grief is too heavy to bear. You know that to me is where I lived, I would say the majority of my life after I was 11 years old when my dad passed away. You know a child that feels such heavy grief for years. I think it's just too much for children to bear. It really deeply affects who they are. How would you say that carrying that grief throughout the rest of your childhood affected you and even in school and relationships and everything I mean? How do you think it affected you?
Speaker 2:Well, it affected me, and impacted me as who I am immensely, because I totally, when I witnessed my mother's death, I didn't focus at all on my education. But very, very shortly after that death, my father completely quit taking me to school. I worked on the ranch, I worked horses, I was a workhorse. So what really impacted me was fear. I learned how to live in fear all the time like yes sir, yes ma'am, yes sir to everything and everyone, and I lost my own confidence of who I was because of those patterns.
Speaker 1:Grief, fear. Those things are so encompassing and when they're in you there is hardly any room for anything else. I mean, it's hard to let the love in the joy in when especially when you're so young and you're always waiting for something else to happen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you kind of put in first gear how to survive. All right, I've got to get through this. How much longer you start to disconnect from things of feel, love, excitement? I lost birthdays, I lost holidays. You know, christmas, thanksgiving, a lot of it was just gone.
Speaker 1:Did anybody notice that you weren't in school?
Speaker 2:It was back and forth. We had social services show up a time or two, but I was threatened. You know, if you say anything I will kill you, you will keep your mouth shut. And so you learn fear at a very young age. My father could not. You know, I have to go backtrack a little bit here, because my father was a very talented person. He was a horse trainer, a farrier, an artist. He was a cowboy through and through and he cherished me and my sister when we were very young. But after my mom's death it seemed like he didn't handle things very well and that's when the abuse really came into play. And then I was introduced to my stepmother, which was the massive corporate of my abuse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you could talk more about your stepmom, because it seemed like things really got a lot worse after she came into your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it was something like six months after my mom had died.
Speaker 1:Six months.
Speaker 2:Not very long and my dad had introduced us to a woman and she hung out a little bit. She seemed okay but my guts, you know, I'm not ready to have another mom. I don't want somebody, you know, bombarding our family. But I accepted it and she moved in. My father had bought 80 acres out in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico and started putting horses on there, and we lived on that property in a tent for a while and she always seemed very jealous of the fact that my dad was close to me and so she would argue a lot. She would cause a lot of conflict and moving forward in the years, and moving forward in the years, it became abuse to the point where I was not allowed to eat. She would feed me one time out of the day, if that. She had two twin daughters. They were both disabled and blind and she blamed me for their disability.
Speaker 1:Were they with your father or before?
Speaker 2:Yeah, they were my sisters with this new woman, but they kind of took place of me and my sister and me and my sister kind of started to disappear from having a family. We became the workers. We chopped weeds, we cleaned horse pens, we watered horses. We worked day in, day out, day in, day out. We had to earn our food and then after a time we were no longer allowed to eat. So I lived on horse feed, I lived on grain alfalfa whatever I could find. I lived on grain alfalfa, whatever I could find. And then, with the social services coming in and out from school, he would put us in school for a bit, but then we'd be back home and so there was a lot of questions in there. But he seemed to do really good at putting us in just long enough to keep us out of trouble with the services. But I didn't focus in school. I didn't know how, you know I just I was so far behind by then.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, if things are not in place at home, it's really hard for a child to be able to pay attention and learn in school period.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh yeah, you can't focus. You know when you're going through any kind of heavy trauma as a child.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Now this is about when, and I'm not sure what was going on with your family at the time when your dad got to the point that it did. Maybe that you could talk more about that.
Speaker 2:So I was about 14 and a half I believe I was somewhere in that age and we were working at the ranch. My dad had somewhere along 100 head of horses that he was training for other people and ferrying, and I remember it was monsoon season cause it was raining really hard. Driveway and parks in front of the house and they're talking and I assumed it was some cowboy that my dad had knew from a long time ago, but I didn't know who he was. And well, anyway, my father goes up to the horse pen where I'm working and he says you're going to go with this man. He's going to need you to help clean his house and take care of things. So go, get your jacket and load up in the truck. And so they did some talking and I jumped in the truck, didn't know who this man was, and they loaded up this Mustang that this guy supposedly needed for the feedlot that he was working at and we hauled off to Texas and my dad never said goodbye, nothing, never explained anything. I just stared out that window as it's raining the whole way to Texas and I was hungry, I was scared, I was petrified actually. So I never said a word. And he pulls over at a gas station and buys me a soda pop and a candy bar and I tell him thank you, and um, we end up in Demet, texas, and we dropped the horse off at the feedlot.
Speaker 2:Well, long story short, this I had to adapt once again to a new environment, a new person, a new situation and I'm just going with the flow. I'm 14 and a half somewhere in there and I'm not in school. I have no education, but I'm just kind of roaming and hanging out cleaning this house. Well, it turned out where some other cowboy and his wife knew this cowboy I'm living with and we go to have dinner with them and stuff. And they start telling me are you doing all right, autumn? And I'm like, yeah, I'm doing just fine. And they said well, we're worried about you, hon, because he's going around work saying that you're his girlfriend, hun, because he's going around work saying that you're his girlfriend. And so I got a little nervous, but I, you know my instincts kick in and I pay attention and I kind of go with the flow because I got no other choice.
Speaker 2:And time progresses and he starts to flirt, and then he starts to flirt, and then he starts to touch me a lot more, and so I immediately knew the warning signs and I ran to the friend's house that had informed me of this and I told him what he was about ready to do, and they immediately, you know, took me to the sheriff's office to get me out of that situation. But the situation was going back to my dad and my stepmom, and so they came to Texas that night, picked me up and just beat the crud out of me, telling me I was a liar. Crud out of me, telling me I was a liar. How could I accuse a man of such a thing? I had just started, you know, developing and had my first menstrual cycle and I developed an infection and my father kicked all of the antibiotics that the doctors had given me out the window and he said you're a liar and you will be punished for what you have done.
Speaker 2:And that's when the beatings got worse, the meals got way less and I was placed on a center block in the backyard for three months for punishment and everything that I owned, my mother's belongings and everything were burnt to the ground and I slept in a floor with nothing but a blanket. You know, that was it on the floor and then I was out every morning before the sun came up, sitting on this block, and then every night it just depended, you know, 11, 2 o'clock in the morning in my room to sleep and then back out and I got to the point where I was so angry I would steal food, you know. I just didn't care, I was hungry, I had to survive. And I sat there on the center block one evening and my father had said we're going to take you somewhere where you can get some help. And it was about two hours after he had informed me of that and he drove me all the way to Albuquerque, new Mexico, and dropped me off at a homeless shelter and I have never seen him since.
Speaker 1:Really yes. Have you heard anything about him or anything Like how he's doing?
Speaker 2:I've heard in and out. You know he's somewhere working at railroads. He's still bouncing and still trying to chase whatever is unknown or unseen. I don't know if he's any longer with my evil stepmom. I don't know if he's any longer with my evil stepmom. I do know that one of my twin half-sisters had passed away at age 19, and I do not know where the other one is or what she's doing.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so you never got the chance to ask your dad what the heck, why did you give me away Not once, but twice? I mean, that would be, I think, a question I would want to know the answer to, because, I mean, you were just a child.
Speaker 2:Yes, I have been curious, you know, I have wanted to know why. But at the same time I've had to move forward and find that's. You know where the silent gift of my book comes into play is. I've had to walk by faith my whole life and believe in that.
Speaker 1:The other part of that is, though, in a way you know it, you wouldn't want to live in a place like that. You know, I mean, it would have been. It would have been like bittersweet, you know, kind of glad that you're not maybe getting that abuse. But yet you know, the unknown sometimes can be the scariest part, and it never, it seems like it never felt like you really were able to find that love that you needed. Now you at some point did go looking for your biological family, correct?
Speaker 2:Well, I did family correct. Well, I did. I was in the homeless shelter for a while and then they had placed me in foster care and I lived in a couple different family with a couple different families. And then I was about, well, I was 16 years old and I got myself a job working at a nursing home because I found love there. A lot of grandparents, you know, they just put me in and I worked super hard, I loved it and then at nighttime I would walk to the college to get GD classes at 16.
Speaker 2:But I was so far behind in my education I didn't even really know where to begin, but I still I tried. Well, during that time I went on people search, you know, to look for my mom's brother, my uncle that was living in Colorado, and I found him uncle that was living in Colorado, and I found him and I called him right away and, of course, because he had known nowhere where I was at my dad, you know, totally disconnected from every one. Um, they came all the way to Albuquerque to pick me up and hauled me back to Colorado and tried to put me back into school. They flooded me with love, you know. They just oh, that's so great, they were amazing. They tried so hard to help me. You know heal but we didn't talk about the things that had happened, we just tried to work on moving forward.
Speaker 2:Well, I tried to go to school once again, but I was so far behind on credits and just didn't understand just some of the basic terminology of any education really. So I ended up dropping out. And that's when I decided, well, maybe I'm going to sign up for the Navy. And I went ahead and tried to become a US Naval Sea Cadet for the Corps so that I could, you know, get, get some education and have some stability and have some stability. But they said you need to get your high school education, sweetheart, in order to make it this far. I quit because I didn't know where to find help. And that's when I started to look towards finding love and affection through a family and I was like, well, maybe I need to get married and have children. And so I met a rancher and, of course, we didn't hesitate at all or take any time getting to know each other. We jumped right in at 19 years old, in at 19 years old, and I wanted to have a family and have a perfect, you know little house on the prairie life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I would think that at that point in your life you had not, except for the little bit of time that you did get to know love, which I'm so glad that you got to understand and feel that for even a short period of time. I mean that just that's such a blessing. I didn't realize that you actually had experienced that. Could you tell me a little bit more about the foster care system and how that went for you? I mean, were you in more than one home? Were you in different ones? I mean, how was that?
Speaker 2:So I was in two Okay, and I lived with the most beautiful African-American family. They took me in, they hauled me to church, we did activities together. My foster mom had four children, they were all boys. We played basketball together. I went from in the shelter trying to fight and survive, because there were like gangsters in there and they'd beat you up to living with a Black family, learning their ways, and it was so wonderful.
Speaker 2:But something happened there and I had to be moved into a different foster home. It was due to my father. He was forging money that we were still living with him for the Social Security money of my mother, that we were still living with him for the social security money of my mother, and so he had threatened the family and they had to place me in a different home. And then I lived with another lady and she was wonderful. She was so passionate and loving and caring, so I had that as well again. But she had a lot of turmoil in her home, um, and her husband later on ended up committing suicide, um, so there was a lot of family turmoil there and that was kind of my moment when I did people search to find my family. I was like I've got to get. I've got to find somebody in my family that would take me back.
Speaker 1:Now you mentioned that you actually had to get to the point to learn to physically fight what was going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, being a rancher, a girl that grew up around horses and animals her whole life, being thrown into a homeless shelter in Albuquerque with a bunch of kids that definitely know how to fight and street savvy, I was definitely the out of place person. I stood out like a sore thumb going in the shelter, and so my very first day being introduced there, I was grabbed by a bunch of girls. They threw a sheet over me and beat the crud out of me, and so I had to learn immediately how to either sink or swim, and that's when, if you're not strong enough to beat them, you kind of join them. So I had to fake a lot to make it, because I was scared.
Speaker 1:Was this a homeless shelter for kids?
Speaker 2:Yes, this was a homeless shelter for troubled kids. My dad had found it somewhere and in my book I explain it in depth. You know of how my dad and my stepmom had taken me in this homeless shelter for troubled children and they lied and told them the reason why I'm such a bad person is because I caused my twin sisters to be blind and disabled. I have to take the blame for their disability.
Speaker 1:I mean, that doesn't even make sense, that that could be your fault.
Speaker 2:It doesn't, but they bought into it. I don't know how I mean. I'll never forget, sitting there behind you know, my stepmom and my dad having to nod my head and say yes, sir, to the guy that asked me did that really happen? You know, I took the blame for something I never did to get out of a situation I never deserved. How long were you in the homeless shelter? I believe I was there for a good six, seven months, because I remember Christmas there, six, seven months, because I remember Christmas there. I remember the new year coming into play and then it was around March or something. Well, I can't remember, but I'm thinking it was about six months.
Speaker 1:And still, there really wasn't much schooling being offered.
Speaker 2:No, no school. I just you know, in this kind of a shelter you have chores, you have to have your room cleaned, you got to help pick up the bathroom, because all the girls are on one wing, all the boys are on another wing. And then mealtimes and then they have, you know, activities for the kids to do, and then that's just kind of what we do.
Speaker 1:You talked about a little bit in some of what you sent me about bruises not only stained on your skin but your soul. So could you talk a little bit more about how abuse can penetrate your soul?
Speaker 2:Talk a little bit more about how abuse can penetrate your soul. Abuse can penetrate your soul the way I look at it. You're in so much physical and emotional pain that you forget anything that is enjoyable. You're just on a daily basis, going to sleep, finding something to find a reason to sleep and then finding a reason to want to get up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you said that your only crime was existing.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I don't take that lightly anymore. Um, because it it was a very painful up and down roller coaster in my childhood, you know, with my stepmother's abuse. She didn't just physically beat me, but she refused to feed me, love me, nurture me, let me be a part of anything in life that was enjoyable. I almost felt like a parasite to this woman and she called me horrible names on a daily basis. And she called me horrible names on a daily basis and it took me to such a deep place at such a young age that I thought if I die, I can be with my mom, I can be with my real mom. And deep down I knew that's so sad.
Speaker 1:Deep down.
Speaker 2:I knew that's so sad, but deep down I knew my mom wouldn't want me to do that. I don't want to do that. I want to live, I want to overcome. And that's when I was very young. I was about 12 years old old when I learned I will take every aspect of this and I will turn it as fuel to get through this. I will not. I will not fail, and I still to this day because I'm I'm human. You know I still have up and downs. I'm not ever going to be a hundred percent, but each day I have a pitfall, I tell myself I will use this as fuel. I will not give up. I will overcome. I cannot quit.
Speaker 1:That is absolutely amazing. Like I said at the very beginning of this podcast, I mean this is a story of strength and resilience and somebody that is not giving up. And I really give it to you because you know, as you mentioned earlier too, about getting married at 19 and starting a family. I mean things really got rough for you again, but you never gave up. I mean you're still in the game, you're still giving it your all. Today, can you talk more about what ended up happening after now? You're 19,. You're married and what happens.
Speaker 2:I meet the most beautiful man in my life a cowboy, cows, horses, ranching the mountains in Colorado, and I melted and I said this is my roots, this is where I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna be a rancher's wife, and I met him through the area that I was living with with my family. We get married and I attempt once again to get my high school diploma and I failed the math and so, instead of continuing to finish, I go ahead and I'm like, whatever, I can just be a rancher's wife. I can live this way. Well, I end up pregnant after we get married and I have a one pound, 12 ounce baby girl. We're up moving cows and I go into labor. They hold on to her long enough. She's born super early, at 28 weeks and I go through another survival, another oh my gosh. Now I have to learn how to be a mom, and so I live in the NICU with the nurses and them for three months and learn how to be a mom. They teach me everything I need to know and life seemed pretty okay, even though it was a fear of having a really early child and not understanding why it was still okay.
Speaker 2:Well, then it became a control. Well, you don't need to drive anywhere to go get groceries, I'll have my dad pick you up. I did your license or nothing. You know I learned how to drive tractors, being married, but I never got my driver's license. Well, it became a control where I lived on a beautiful ranch, in a farm, but I'm fenced in. I can only go so far, I can only do so much, and it made me fight back. But I fought back in very unhealthy ways. You know oh how. But I fought back in very unhealthy ways. You know oh how, fighting with my fist, breaking things, you know, having horrible temper tantrums and just losing control of trying to hold on to things. Well, I did the back and forth thing in my marriage. I would run away, come back, run away, come back, because that's kind of what I learned as a young child. But I was aware of what I was doing. So I took a lot of counseling. I went to a lot of counseling sessions to learn.
Speaker 2:But my marriage, my ex-husband would never take the initiative to go into marriage, counseling himself or learn new aspects. It was this way or that way, say sexual things, and I would go to my husband and I would say you have to do something. I mean, like we're living close to him. We even, you know, built a cabin up on the family ranch and here he is hitting on your wife and it became a lot of emotional, narcissistic abuse that I did not recognize. It was a whole new pattern of abuse that I thought was normal and even though I knew things were wrong, I still thought my marriage and everything was normal enough. So I, without even recognizing, go into survival of faking it to make it. And that's when I had two more children and I start perfecting everything. I become the amazing baker, the house cleaner, running the tractors, running the farm equipment, helping out, be a secretary.
Speaker 2:For 20 years I tried so hard to be the best wife, mother, helpmate possible. But it kept magnifying and getting worse and worse. And when we would argue he would lock me in doors, in rooms, closets, bathrooms, he would stand in front of the vehicles and take the keys so that I couldn't get away and there was just a constant control, abuse. And then it got to the point where my mother-in-law and father-in-law would come and lecture me on how I'm the crazy person. Well, after I had enough and I enough was enough and I stood out the beautiful ranch house window for five hours and said I've got to go. And they had.
Speaker 2:I was already drinking at this time. I put that in my book. I started to drink to hide the pain and my ex-husband knew that and he threw me in rehab and he said you're going to get some help. And I took the blame once again. But during that moment he hired an attorney, he filed divorce and he ripped the kids out of my life for about three months.
Speaker 2:And then I was in the process of living at the farm, writing a book and doing things for my self-help and my self-healing, and they him and his mother had taken my book to the attorney and said she's crazy. Here's all the reasons why. And they used it against me, um, to prove that I was an unfit mother. And so I raised a one pound-ounce daughter. I was the mother that interacted at the school. You know everything brought the cookies, everything. I always, always was there for my children to one minute being ripped away from them and kicked off of the farm and homeless once again. And he took everything homeless once again and he took everything. He took the farm, the home, the vehicles, everything we had, the accounts, you know, and I had to start over and that's been two years ago.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's been only two years since that happened.
Speaker 2:Yes, ma'am, have you seen your kids? Yes, so I kicked it into another gear and I took everything. I sold my car, I took everything I had in my account and I hired the best attorney I could find. I paid him and I got my children back like within three months oh wow, like within three months. There was no, there was no solitude evidence of proving I was a bad mother, unfit person. They said she's stable, she's sound, she is not what you guys are accusing her of. And they, they got my children back and you know it's 50-50 now. So I have them every other week and they do tons of counseling. They work, you know, with a therapist when I have them that she has horse therapy. So I take them because now they're dealing with a storm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so they obviously see your ex and it's a back and forth between you two.
Speaker 2:Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1:Okay, and the father-in-law.
Speaker 2:Well, he's out of the picture.
Speaker 1:On my side. I pray that my children are not around, that you know. I pray every day. I try my hardest. They seem to be doing wonderful. Okay, how old are they now?
Speaker 2:So an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old and a nine-year-old.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right. Wow, I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. You know some of the things. The worst things, the physical bruises and all those things are hard to deal with. That's one thing. But when you continually get the things on you that cause bruises to your soul you know the inside things and you had quite a bit of that and your ex the worst thing that somebody can do is the gaslighting, the crazy, making that kind of feeling where you feel like you're the one that's doing something wrong, like you can see what's happening but they're presenting it in a way like you're crazy because this isn't really happening, and that can really just make you feel crazy. It really can.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, it can. I got to a point where I said I have to save myself because all the material and the great things that I'm living with will come back. But I'm not going to come back if I keep accepting this pattern of abuse of, you know, anxiety, adversity.
Speaker 2:if I keep following this direction, I'm never going to heal. What's going to happen to me? And what kind of a leader, a mentor of a mother for my children am I going to show them if I continue to follow this path? And so you know my process of healing and becoming a better self-worth of who I am. I implemented that five years ago, but it was crazy how, when I started to sign up for being a speaker, writing a book and doing these things, the people that I thought were beside me all of the sudden became my enemies and tried all they could to make sure I didn't succeed. They had something to say about everything, and so again, I'm using that as fuel to say no, I'm better than this, I can do this, and so that's when I kind of started. Writing. My book was to help myself.
Speaker 2:You know it was a self-healing deal. I saw the self-authoring deal and I said you know, I'm going to just try this on my own. I'm going to start self-authoring, just kind of see how I can fix myself and get better. And that's when a lot of the people that did have problems were angry at me because I was getting better.
Speaker 1:Sure. Well, you know they say that everybody in those situations is sick and so when one person's getting better, the rest need to get better too and everybody needs to work together and you know when people are trying to define you and keep you at this point in your life. But you have really worked on yourself. You're a different person. You've. You know there's a lot of recovery that's gone on in your life and counseling and things, and people sometimes like to keep people sick and I not really sure, except that it benefits them and it has really. I've come a long way in my life, in my journey, because I've not allowed other people to define me, period. You're just not going to do that. You know one of the things that you felt that love could be earned if you were good enough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did. During that marriage of 20 years, I had thought after so long of never just being accepted for who I am Like. You're just an amazing woman, you know. I just want to get to know you more. I never had that. It was always. Well, you need to learn how to do this.
Speaker 2:I started to go back to when I was a child, with my father working horses and all that If I earn, if I work hard enough, he might be proud of me. Well, I started to see that when we'd go out and work cows or build fence or something, he would be so happy and excited and proud of me. And so I said, okay, love has to be earned, it's not, it's not unconditional, it's conditional. And so it's not unconditional, it's conditional. And so that's how I kept going, was I was like, okay, he's proud of me because I'm helping him today. Oh, now he's taking things away from me. I must have not worked hard enough. And so it was this constant back and forth mental game with me. To the point my instincts knew no, this ain't right. This is not love, this is. No matter how hard I try, this is not reality. Autumn, You've got to wake up, shake up and get out, and I did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, at one point in your life I mean this was when they were younger, I think, but you worked really hard for them, your life to be come and appear as if everything was perfect and you had like this little house on the prairie type of life. And I think I mean you could tell me, did it mean a lot for you to present in that way?
Speaker 2:It did, because I was seeking validation so much. I just wanted love, acceptance, validation um, I watch all the you know beautiful ranchers, wives drive nice vehicles in our little community community, and their children were on top of it, and I just wanted normal. What is normal, though? And to me? I thought that's what I had to have in order to be satisfied, so that was, you know, what I went through, but I don't. I don't regret a lot of my tries, because I taught my children a lot of values in life.
Speaker 1:I love that. I absolutely love that.
Speaker 2:And my children are overcomers themselves. You know, like my 18-year-old just signed up for the Marines, she leaves for basic training this summer. Year old just signed up for the Marines, she leaves for basic training this summer. My middle daughter, she is a horse woman to the core. I mean, she wants to be a veterinarian and she's never changed, she's driven. And my son, he's a lover and he loves validation. And my son is a lover and he loves validation. And so I really, you know, have opened up my mind with my healing to pay attention and I'm more attached to children now because of it, because I try to go back and I'm like okay, I remember that feeling, I remember that fear, I remember that judgment that adult did to me and so I can really communicate with children because of what I've gone through.
Speaker 1:I'm sure they really respect who you are. How far?
Speaker 2:how much? Okay, yeah, I never opened up and told my children very much. You know, I kind of hid that, you know, to let them know. But at the same time they knew a little bit.
Speaker 1:Can I ask with everything that you went through, were you able to love them the way that you had never been?
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I tried with every fiber in my body to be the opposite of what I had to feel. Now, mind you, I'm only human and I didn't deal with certain outbursts. At times I would scream, I'd yell, they'd witness my temper. They were like mom, what is wrong with you? You know they seen those reactions that I did, but I was never prideful enough to not say I'm really sorry that I did that. I'm really sorry that I said that let's work on this a little better and please forgive your mama, because I'm trying with every fiber in my body to be the best mom I can and I would. You know, one step forward, three steps back kind of situation Learning how to be a mom without having a mom. I would read books like crazy. You know, okay, this new parent guide. I always tried to seek out an education as hard as I could, even though I didn't have one, and I was never afraid to ask for help you know, okay, that's key, that's really important.
Speaker 2:It is yeah.
Speaker 1:But the more that you asked for help or worked on yourself, you said that you were looked at as being selfish.
Speaker 2:Yes, I was my sister. All my relatives on my ex-husband's side judged me so hard. It was almost to the point where they're here and I want to be here, but they'll bring you down. So they're always right here and they don't see above and beyond. I'm not a logic, scientific thinker. I'm a dreamer. I'm a person that's full of emotions and because of that I believe that's where I'm at today. And they didn't like that. Being married to a rancher, cattle people, farmers they're very logic, they're very scientific minded. Well, farmers, they're very logic, they're very scientific minded. And they don't see what I'm seeing. They think, oh, that don't make no sense. I mean, like you got to do it this way. Or they would tell me a lot Well, you're either born with it or you'll never have it, or you know, I was told no offense, but because of your past you're never going to be where we're at in life. And so I was told a lot of criticism just because of my upbringing. I was judged heavily because of that.
Speaker 1:It was almost like people were just expecting you to fail.
Speaker 2:Right and I got used and comfortable to failing because I didn't know what I was capable of doing. I only knew what I was capable of being accepted to do and I would never cross that boundary of trying to become even more because I was afraid of judgment, of trying to become even more because I was afraid of judgment.
Speaker 1:Well, you had a lot of invisible things going on inside of you, but one of the biggest things, I think, was that gift that you talked about. I mean, what saved you?
Speaker 2:A lot of things saved me, but the key note is faith. I had so much faith that I'm going to overcome this. My Heavenly Father, my God in heaven, is my reason.
Speaker 1:This is the end of part one with Autumn Star Canterbury. This is more than just a story. It's a testimony, a journey of pain, yes, but more than that, it's profound endurance. Autumn Star Canterbury has shown us that you can be traded like you're worth nothing and still grow. To realize your worth is immeasurable. That you can be tossed aside and still rise strong and unshaken. Her words they cut deep. Her strength it radiates. And her message it's a call to every soul who's ever been told they aren't enough, that they're not worth anything. You are not what happened to you. You are who you choose to become.
Speaker 1:In the aftermath, autumn didn't just survive. She galloped forward like the very horse she was once traded for, with a will that refused to die, she redefined herself, reclaimed her story and continues to fight, not just for herself, but for others who need hope. So if you've been walking through your own fire, if you've been silenced, overlooked or stripped of your own worth, this is your reminder. You are still here and that means your story isn't over yet. To Autumn, thank you. Thank you for showing us what real resilience looks like. You are a light in the darkness and we are so grateful For our listeners. Please share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. If you or someone you know has experienced trauma, we'll include resources in the show notes. You are not alone. Until next time, be gentle with your healing and remember that there's purpose in the pain and there's hope in the journey. Next week will be part two. This is Real Talk with Tina and Anne, and we'll see you real soon.
