The Invisible Hard

What do you say when a five-year-old whispers, “Can someone take the disease out of grandma?” That tender question anchors a conversation about late-stage Alzheimer’s, new diagnoses for our kids, and the gritty, everyday work of loving people where they are when answers won’t come. We don’t offer platitudes. We tell the truth about layered grief, the soul-tired fatigue of caregiving, and the flickers of connection that still break through — a hand that shakes less when held, a look that says “I know you” for one bright second.

We also open the door to our parenting lives. Diagnosis day hits like an aftershock even when you see it coming. We share how we’re supporting our kids across FASD, autism, ADHD, dysgraphia, and developmental coordination disorder: using speech-to-text to unlock ideas trapped by slow processing, dialing down classroom noise with headphones, matching school environments to nervous systems, and celebrating practical strengths like organization and hands-on work. Inclusion matters, but fit matters more; dignity starts with building the world around the child, not forcing the child to fit the world.

Along the way, we wrestle with advocacy fatigue, broken systems, and the courage it takes to draw hard boundaries. We talk about venting versus processing and the reframes that calm the nervous system: we can’t cure what hurts, but we can honor dignity, hold history, and keep showing up. Small tools help — AI scripts for calmer parenting moments, an ADHD-friendly cleaning checklist, even a vibration plate that shakes anxiety loose. And because the body keeps score, we share how cleaning up our food reduced inflammation and lifted the fog, proving that better inputs can make hard days a little lighter.

Messy is where connection lives. If you’re navigating Alzheimer’s, special needs parenting, or the invisible labor no one sees, you’re not alone here. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with one small tool or reframe that’s helping you keep going — we’d love to hear what’s working for you.

Transcript

Setting The Table: Heavy Hearts

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Ann. I am Tina.

SPEAKER_03 0:12

And I am Anne. You know, today Tina and I are both, we are going through a lot. And so we just decided that we're going to bring it to the air. We're just, we're coming as it as we are. We're not coming with answers. We're just coming. And we're coming with honesty.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Yeah, because what we're learning is life doesn't really give you any time to figure it all out, right? And uh no. I feel like the weight of the things going on in the world and then in my life and in the lives of people I care about, you know, like you and several other friends, it's it's heavy. And it is. It's just it's just plain a lot. So I don't I don't even know where we want to start, Ian.

SPEAKER_03 1:00

I mean, you know, we're both going through so much. And I know in particular that you're going through a lot. You know what I found really interesting, and I was gonna save this for later, but I really found this interesting, Tina, that even though our situations are different, they are so similar. Yeah. In different ways.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Yeah, I think it's because grief is grief and hard is hard, and it doesn't matter what it is.

SPEAKER_03 1:31

But and and it's also having to do with the the brain, the neurology, the finding out what's going on with your mom's brain and me finding out what's going on with my kids' brains and having to deal and how to love them differently. I mean, this this whole episode is about that. And it really is about meeting people where they are uh differently.

A Child’s Question About Suffering

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Why don't I start off with this week uh when I took care of my mom, she is in late stage early Alzheimer's, and um my five-year-old asked me something that stopped me in my tracks when we were with grandma. He noticed that she wasn't shaking as much because if dementia, you know, Alzheimer's, sorry, if Alzheimer's wasn't enough, Parkinson's is added on top of it. So why not? Right. And so she shakes all the time, and it really breaks our hearts. And I didn't realize how much my five-year-old noticed. And I'm honestly, I'm not sure that I'm gonna make it through this podcast, okay, to be quite honest. So bear with me. I'm just gonna go through the tears because that is how it is. But my five-year-old said, Mommy, I wish someone could take the disease out of grandma. I wish God could help her, but maybe he doesn't know how. And you know, I told him he knows how, but he chooses not to. I said, I don't understand his plan. I don't. I that's this, that's the plain truth. I don't. And it was then, you know, I realized that children don't ask complicated theology questions. They ask love questions. You know, he wasn't asking about doctrine. He was it was about relief. It was about wanting someone he loves to stop suffering because even at five, he sees it. And if I'm honest, I do ask the same question why Parkinson's? Why dementia? Why both? Why doesn't God just take the shaking at least away? And I don't have an answer that satisfies my heart. And I've been doing this for five or six years. Actually, I'm in year six of this. But here's what I know God is not offended by our why, and the Bible is full of it. Lament is not a lack of faith, it's faith refusing to look away from pain. And so I don't think the kid that kids and my son need a perfect answer. I think they need some honest ones. And so maybe the most meaningful thing we can say is what I did say. I don't understand either, but we can still love her well, right where she is.

SPEAKER_03 4:00

Tina, my heart is breaking for you and your son. But, you know, it it's just so beautiful. His innocence. I love his innocence. I mean, I've been, as you know, been going through a lot too, and we'll talk about that in a little bit. You know, when my son, or, you know, they just come in the room or they just say the right thing, or they just touch, you know, put their hand on me uh and smile, you know, it just makes my day. It it it there's just such a mix of emotion with everything that's going on right now. I am so sorry with your mom.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Your mom wasn't shaking as much. She really wasn't. And I told him it's maybe because she can feel all the love in the room. Something interesting that we've noticed is when you hold her hand, she does tend to stop shaking as much. And I can't explain it. You know, it's something that is really bittersweet. And we weren't holding her hand though at the time, but he did notice, and so that's why I said maybe she just feels all the love in the room right now. And so, you know, there's there's really also something, and I'm sure you can relate, and many of you watching and listening can too, something really just deeply unfair about watching your child care for a grandparent who can't be a grandparent back. You know, my son helps her, he notices her shaking. He even said, I wish we could go over to grandma's house and she could make us food, mommy. I wish she could walk by herself. That would make things a lot easier. And yeah, he's absolutely right. And, you know, my heart just shattered because he is missing a version of my mom that he never knew. And it kills me. I ache knowing that he didn't get the singing grandma, the game playing grandma, the vibrant woman that my older boys remember and I remember. And some days it's hard because I feel like I'm trying to be both mom and grandma. I'm trying to fill a space that wasn't supposed to be mine. And then when I see that compassion and his tenderness, his instinct, his natural instinct, without me saying anything to care that didn't come from nowhere, that comes from generations. My mom's love is still him, just through me.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Yeah. And it's still unfair. I still wish it was different. But even in the broken season, love is being passed down.

The Thousand Small Goodbyes

SPEAKER_00 6:33

And so I have to think that even in these awful moments, there are still unexpected moments of connection. You know, I think that there's something people don't talk enough about when it comes to late-stage Alzheimer's, and that's the emotional fatigue. There's so much of it, not just being tired, but being soul tired. The kind of tired that comes from years of loving someone through decline, from watching a parent slowly change in front of you, from adjusting your expectations over and over and over again. You don't just grieve once, you grieve in layers. You grieve the diagnosis, you grieve the first time they forgot something big, you grieve when they can't drive, you grieve when they can't cook, when they can't remember the stories, when they can't remember anything about you, maybe they don't even know who you are, they can't walk by themselves, they can barely speak. When they forget to how to tell you what they need, what to do with a fork, even it's not one loss, it is a thousand small goodbyes. And then you get those unexpected moments of connection, the hand squeeze, the eye contact, the brief look that says, I do know you. And those moments are beautiful, but they're brutal too, because they remind you that it's still there, but but not or won't be for long. And how much has been taken? And you leave, we leave my mom's house just holding on to that little flicker of connection, and then the grief that hits afterward, the drive home is often harder than the visit itself. When you watch a parent change like this, it rewrites your whole world. And the person who once anchored you now depends entirely on you. And no matter how old you are, it's just disorienting. It's disorienting becoming the steady one, especially when inside you just want to be the daughter who just wants her mom. And so there is emotional fatigue in holding hope and heartbreak at the same time, in wanting relief for suffering, but not wanting to lose her and knowing the season will end, but not knowing when, and being afraid of both of those possibilities. And yet, even in all of that, there's real love. The kind that shows up when it's hard, the kind that sits just by the bedside or the chair side that keeps holding hands even when the words are gone, and that's where we are.

SPEAKER_03 9:15

I wish I was in front of you. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I would so hug you. There was so much there, so much pain, so much love. I am so sorry, my dear friend, that you're going through so much. You know, do you have videos of your mom doing some things that you could share with your son?

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Honestly, I haven't even looked. I have an audiobook that she made for my boys, and I haven't been able to listen to it this year. It's Rudolph they they loved it all the other years. I couldn't bring it out this year. I have some voicemails on my phone. I can't listen to them. But you know, isn't that interesting? I go through seasons where I have to hear it and then I can't. Yeah. No, I understand that. I went forever took enough video. You know, I feel like I didn't take enough video of what she was like. You I take a lot of pictures, but not not enough video. And right.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

I feel like I'm starting to forget what her voice sounds like and hearing it might make it worse, you know? Like, because you want that, you want that back so bad and you know it's not gonna happen. And that's hard.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

Yeah, it's it's it's the things that what could be. It's the I think that sometimes those are the hardest things, you know. I mean, thinking about your mom and who she was, I'm sure, you know, I had voicemails of my mom on for a really long time. Now I had a much different relationship with my mom than you do with yours, but I still really valued those voicemails. And you know what? Make sure that they're in a cloud or something. Make sure that you protect those with everything that you can. Because I ended up losing mine because I switched phone carriers and I just never got that back. So I I don't know, maybe they're in a cloud somewhere. But yeah, do whatever you can to make double, triple backups of things like that that you don't want to lose.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

That's that's a that's a great idea. And and I the the comforting news in a way is that I know I'm not alone, although I don't wish, you know, the pain and challenges that we are going through on anyone, but I know you're going through a lot too, and we do have different situations, like you mentioned, but same emotional weight because caregiving shows up in different forms.

Saving Voices, Saving Memories

SPEAKER_03 12:03

Yeah, it really does. I mean, it's you talked about those layers, and grief really is in layers. You know, I knew a lot of this stuff with what was happening with my kids, but you know what? You went through this too. You know, there's something about diagnosis day. It really, it just changes everything. I'm not really sure why, because you know, we already knew, we already had a feeling. It's that stamp of this is what's going to happen. And it's it's it's not a really, it's not a great place to be. It starts as day one. It starts, you know, when I talk about those mile markers where something happens and then nothing is the same after that. It's that's what it's like. It's like this is the day that everything changed. Do I think that they changed because they were diagnosed with something? No. They it just validates and verifies everything in a way that is it's hard. It's harder. And I and I don't know why.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

For I I I know for me, it kind of just stops you in your tracks. Your whole world just stops. I mean, it your whole the whole world can change in a literal second, and it can absolutely what happens. And I think it's disorienting, and I think that it is it's shocking to the system. And I know for me, I think my initial response is denial. No, no, this can't be happening. This can't be happening. And then the realist in me kicks in and it's like, this is happening. Now we have to move forward. I think that we're both learning that loving someone sometimes means walking through really, really, really hard seasons.

Diagnosis Day And Aftershocks

SPEAKER_03 13:56

Yeah. Um, we recently went to the fetal alcohol center. You know, I mean, they contacted me. They said, you know, we really believe that your kids are fetal alcohol and we want you to come in. And it didn't surprise me about my one son. What surprised me about him, and I'll actually talk about him first, um, is because, and this is really hard for me because we found out that he, and I didn't know this. We went through all the diagnoses, we went through a bunch of stuff with the doctors. And you know, there's sometimes so much. You hear so much, or maybe you can't process all of it. And they say, Oh, it's in the notes, you can go on to my chart, you can fill, you know, you can read it all there. And then I don't want to revisit it because it's just too hard to hear or read. And so then, so I had a meeting with another doctor yesterday, and they told me, well, it's because of you know how low his IQ is and his verbal learning, and you know, she started, and I say, wait, what? And she said, Yeah, it's it's only a 50. And I just went, what? I mean, I I knew that it was low, but I guess when you hear those numbers, and you know, I don't believe in definitions defining who somebody is because I overcame so many things with all my disabilities. But I've met with so many doctors over the last few weeks, and they're telling me things that I have to take in what they're telling me. I have to take in what this doctor, this what this educator, I'm starting to have meetings with educators because he was having such bad days at school. He was having horrific days at school, and so where um they kept, you know, his behavior was a 47, it was a 50 uh percent behavior wasn't good. He was on the floor, he was crying, he was upset that he lost it a game, he wasn't he had to be pulled out of the classroom three times, and so then I had to get to the point, and he's already in a classroom that's for kids with special needs. So I was like, you know, what am I what do I do here? I I need to figure this out. So, you know, chat GPT and me sometimes can be best friends, and I'm not kidding. I I just said, will you please help me parent this child because I don't know what to do? And so he, you know, chat, I call him he um just started giving me a different script for him. Like when he does these things, um, I have a script now to follow. And I didn't know how to talk to him before, but we're getting there. And so he currently this week has not been in school because I had to weigh. What do I do? Do I keep sending him? And he come, he walks in the door, and the first thing he says to me is he hands me his folder and he says, another bad day. And he's just so defeated. And this is what started it for me. The other night he was laying in bed and he was just crying. And I went in and I said, Buddy, what is wrong? And he said, I just don't like who I am, I can't stop doing these things, and I just my heart broke. And I want him to understand that it is this thing in his brain, and we're trying to get him. You know, what I did was I just I put he's 12, he's going to be 13. He's going into seventh grade next year. So what I did was I pulled up all these really random, fun, you know, really good educational games that are very interactive, very hands-on, um, second grade that is about where he is. And he just was clapping and he was having a really good time. And I put the headphones on him and the distractions were less, the noise was less. They've told me, oh, yeah, if we pull him out of the classroom, he's better one-on-one. And I thought, okay, well, let's try this. I'm not saying that I'm keeping him home. We're supposed to meet. Um, but you know, the one thing that I do believe in, and I also don't believe in, is inclusion. And I do believe in inclusion for kids. Um, but when you have to weigh how much it takes away from your child and how much it, you know, he he's not his best when he's in the middle of all these other kids and noise and things. Everything that's happening is taking away from him to be able to perform. And they are going to put him in a program where eventually he'll go do a job every day. He'll go to a hospital or a store and he'll learn these skills. And he's, you know, when I go to the hairdresser, he organizes their shelves and he's really good at it. And he would be great at a job like that, and he would be so proud of himself. It's just all these things getting there, you know? And the diagnosis is hard. It's just genuinely hard because you look at him and he's just the cutest kid, and he just smiles back at me, and he wants other kids to smile back at him and to greet him the same way that he greets them. And I constantly feel like I have to like step in and help him and be like his one-on-one, like I am with his brother. And it's hard, Tina. It is so hard.

SPEAKER_00 20:01

I don't know how you do it. You are such a special person and mom to take on all that you are taking on. I love that you're getting help, even if it's AI. Nothing wrong with that at all. I use it to help me with my mom's journey. It has said some really beautiful things to me and really helped me in moments of distress. And I think that we need to do what we need to do to help ourselves and help the ones we love the most. I I just I can't imagine. I know you have so much on your plate, and that's just a third of it.

Parenting With Scripts And Support

SPEAKER_03 20:35

It is because I have three with fetal alcohol and many diagnoses. And my other one, this was the hard one, Tina, even harder because I've always known that my 12-year-old has these problems. I always knew it. But my nine-year-old, um, I knew that he has autism, he has ADHD, he's not able to be in a regular school setting. But when I was sitting across these two doctors a couple days ago, they looked at me and said, it's pretty significant. He's it, the the parts of his brain that were affected by alcohol are really significant. And I just about fell because, you know, I already know that, you know, he is, he, he has that um autism gait, that autism walk, I guess you could say, I I don't know. Um, but he he's got an awkwardness about him, and he's always been bigger. Um, and that is because, you know, his biological parents were just bigger. And so it comes naturally. But he does have an awkwardness about him. And so he was actually diagnosed with I didn't even know what dysgraphia was. I had never even heard of dysgraphia and developmental coordination disorder. Um, but he has those where it's just, and his fine motor skills and his gross motor skills have been affected, and they're weaker and they're not able to do the things. Plus, he also has an extremely low processing. And I knew this because whenever the teachers in class would talk and all these things, you know, it would be, and I know that from homeschooling him, I'll say a bunch of words and he'll say, huh? What? You know, so again, it's just slowing way down. It's learning how to teach him. His executive functioning is really low. And that one I didn't know. Um, but if you know anything about executive functioning and all these things that are going on with him, like written expression, is really low. And all those things together is because it's all up here. He is intelligent, he actually has a pretty high IQ, but all this is going on, and he can't execute it, he can't get it down on paper. So that written expression disorder, if that's what you want to call it, um, we've gone speech to text. You know, I mean, he is so excited about this because he has looked at a blank piece of paper for such a long time with a pencil in his hand and saying he can't do it. And it takes him like 10 minutes to write his name. And I'm like, you know, let's just try to do some breakdown sentences, and he can talk into this computer, and he can just tell a whole paper on how to play Fortnite or facts about the Titanic, and then we edit and we do all these things to the paper, and then he wants it printed, and then he wants to read it to everybody, and he's excited, you know. I mean, and use he it's learning what they need and utilizing the tools that we have now. I mean, back when we were younger, I was I'm older than you, we didn't have those tools, so why not reach them where they are? I mean, I'm all about that. I don't care if you can't write in paragraphs the way that you're supposed to, and I'm not gonna push it. Turn on um the microphone on your Google Doc. Talk into it, and then we'll edit it from there. I have no problem with that.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

No, I don't either. We all learn differently, and I think it's beautiful that you figured out a way that reaches him and makes him excited about learning and able to get what's in his brain onto paper. I applaud that so much. I don't know how you have the energy to do all that you do because I'm exhausted just hearing all that you deal with and you do it with such love and grace. I I just I don't know how you do it, but you do it really well.

SPEAKER_03 24:48

Well, I don't know how graceful there's times I'm telling you, I mean, I just snapped at the principal this morning for absolutely no reason. She sent me a podcast and just was so nice about it, and I just took it so the wrong way, and I just snapped back at her and she said, Oh, I'm so sorry, that's not what I meant. And I said, I'm sorry. I have had seven meetings in the last week, and I'm just really, you know, my brain feels frozen at the moment. I just feel like I can't take in one more piece of information. Yes, and I need a week or so to process everything before I can really start talking about this and making decisions. Sometimes we just need space.

Reframing: Venting Versus Processing

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Yeah, some quiet. Yes, absolutely. You know, I think that sometimes our bodies and brains protect us, if you know, if you will, and we can't process what we've heard, or maybe we shut down out of protection. I remember when I first heard my mom's official diagnosis that first time, and everything around me stood still. It was the craziest feeling, just complete shock and disbelief. And I just remember everything stood still. I don't think any one of us wanted to accept it. And maybe, maybe that's where this comes into play, kind of what we're talking about. Like, you don't want to have to process it because you don't want it to be true. It's for me, there's a difference in knowing. Like you you kind of know in the back of your head that these things, but then when you hear it and say it, it's real, and there's something to the spoken word that hits you differently. I I can't explain it beyond that. And you know, I think as each phase or each diagnosis comes, sometimes you just want to deny it because I'm gonna be honest with you. I really wish that I could just have a year of just simple, boring nothingness. No sickness, no worse diagnoses, no financial struggle, no hard, heavy news. I I do, I feel like I really feel like I need a whole year of decompression to wrap my head around things, to you know, figure out what's my place in this person's life. How am I and and and all of these people who I love in their lives, and also who am I? Who am I? What do I need? What do I want to do?

SPEAKER_03 27:23

I am having to stand up in different ways, and I've been more forceful about things, and that might be, I've been putting up more boundaries, I've been saying no more often, and I and I know what my kids need, and I know what I need. And before I used to allow people like um that represent our SSA from Developmental Disabilities or whatever system it is that I'm talking to, and they'll tell me what I need. They'll tell me, oh, we're gonna have this meeting. Oh, uh, we are gonna be a part of my one of my child's meetings. They gave me a brand new SSA, a brand new SSA that hadn't even been trained yet with my family in the midst of all these things that are going on, decisions that are being made, pretty big decisions that are being made, and they want a seat at the table. And I told them no. So, you know what they did? They went above my head, they went over to another program that we're involved with that creates these meetings and has is the umbrella over all of it. They went to them and said, You talk her into having us be at that table. And they were like, Hey, and we're your voice, whatever you want. And so I called him back this morning and I was on fire. And he denied all of it. He said, Oh, we didn't say that. Oh, yes, you did, because I know for a fact that my other person here is not going to lie. You, though, on the other hand, had been trying to manipulate me. So I've been standing up a lot more.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

Yeah. But I wish it didn't have to be that way. No is a complete sentence. No means no, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 29:13

And you're representing a system that is supposed to be, you know, pretty professional. Well, you're not acting very professional. Yeah, my life is doctor's appointments, it is specialist, and it is managing systems. That's my life. You want to talk about fatigue, what you were talking about, that fatigue that you talked about. Advocacy fatigue is a real thing. And we have to take care of ourselves. If we want to continue, it's that putting that mask on first. You know, if we want to continue that, we have to take care of ourselves.

Boundaries, Advocacy, And Burnout

SPEAKER_00 29:49

No, you you are absolutely right. So there's something I've been thinking about lately, this whole idea as we're talking it out, venting, whatever you want to call it about hard things. You know, I read that the idea that venting or talking about hard things can actually force distress. And if we keep rehashing something painful without solving it, we might be strengthening those neural pathways instead of healing them. And I'll be honest, that hit me hard when I thought about my mom and her early onset Alzheimer's. She's 65, late stage of this horrific disease. The season has been one of the hardest of my life, my family's life, my dad's life. Um, it's not a problem that I can solve. It's not something I can research my way out of. I can't organize it, I can't fix it, I can't advocate it away. And my brain, the part of me that likes to take action, hates that. And so sometimes when I talk about it, I wonder, am I just looping? Am I reinforcing the sadness? Am I keeping myself stuck? But I'm beginning to realize that there has to be a difference between venting and processing. So if I keep telling the story in a way that sounds like this is unfair, I can't fix this, I'm losing her. My nervous system then stays in that threat mode. My brain keeps scanning for a solution that doesn't exist. So while I do still ask questions like that, because I'm human and it's normal and this sucks, I'm also trying to shift and not sugarcoat it, but try to integrate so it sounds and hits my heart a little bit differently. So instead of I can't fix this, I can't fix this, but I can love her well in it. It's something I tell my kids all the time. And instead of, well, I do believe it is unfair, and then I follow it up with, but I'm still showing up. I'm really proud of me. Like I'm I'm seriously so proud of me. I'm doing such a hard, loving thing. Like the ultimate form, the last form of love is the way that I'm showing it. And instead of maybe I'm losing her, although I do feel that way, and it is true, she's changing and I'm learning how to meet her where she is. It's still so hard. It doesn't remove any of the grief. It just gives my brain somewhere to land because here's here's the truth. This is ongoing grief. This is how it is for me. She's here, but she's not fully here. I'm her daughter, but I'm actually really her caregiver. There is no clean resolution. So my brain keeps trying to reconcile these two competing realities at once. And sometimes I do need silence. Sometimes I just, I just need absolute nothingness. But other times, what helps is sharing in a way that includes meaning, not just pain. And so when I talk about my mom, I try to also ask myself, where did I show up today? Was there a moment of connection? And that's why I always try to focus on the positive when I'm with her. I want my brain to remember that smile, that touch, that stare that we had, that um, you know, the conversation with my son, even though it was hard. Did I respond with patience today or panic? Did I choose love even when I felt helpless? And the answer is I have always, and I am not kidding you when I say always during my mom's sickness, been patient. And I am so proud of me for that. I I can't even explain it. It has to be only God. I would not call myself the most patient person you've ever met, but with her, I'm doing it. I choose love every single time. And maybe, maybe that's the reframe. Not don't talk about it, but talk about it in a way that reminds your nervous system. You're not powerless. I can't cure Alzheimer's. Man, I wish I could. But I can be present. I can honor her dignity. I can hold our history and I can love her inside the fog. And maybe that's what processing really is. That is so beautiful. Everything that you just said.

SPEAKER_03 34:04

It's you know, isn't it? It's hard. It's it it it is hard. You were handling her through the eyes of love. That's just beautiful. What if we what if that's what we did? You know, if you know, when I look at my kids, I'm looking at them with love first, and then I'm looking at them. I mean, love is right here, and that's how I'm dealing with them. What if that's what we did? It would change the world. It would really change the world. I think that we would at least handle things differently. Another thing, you know, you you were talking about it looping and or is it processing? And I feel like it's always a step forward. I mean, there's time I've been talking about my kids for nine years. And you've been with your mom for your it's six years, you said. Which I still can't believe that that it's been six years with your mom. I that's just it's so much. A loop is different, completely different than I think the processing. I just think that it's a loving differently, a fe figuring it out differently, a new set of information. So it's more processing and then it's moving on and it's more growth. And we have to continue to do that. I think it's necessary.

SPEAKER_00 35:31

And you know, when we talk about making the world a better place, I think that if we could take a moment to step in someone else's shoes, it would really show us something. You know, I think being able to just take a moment and walk how someone else does would be life-changing for so many of us and help us see things clearly.

SPEAKER_03 35:54

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we and we talked about this when we talked about timelines, which we feel like somebody stole our episode. But when we talked about timelines, we aren't to compare ourselves to anybody else. We don't have the same genetics and brain and situations and everything for um us to compare. We can't compare. So you can't tell somebody else how they need to think or feel or deal. I mean, we just can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

Absolutely. And isn't it interesting how people can change when they are going through something that they maybe judged you how you handled it, and then they go through it, and oh, suddenly it makes sense. But you don't know until you're in in that position.

SPEAKER_03 36:41

Yeah, no, you don't. And that's why I really think that the Bible and God and I mean he leads without judgment. And I think that that's what we need to do. I mean, that's what we're called to do. I really believe that. And the other thing that you talked about with the script, you know, with your mom and talking to yourself differently, like you know, I can't cure Alzheimer's, but but I can be present. I can honor the dignity, but you know, I can hold our history and you can love her inside the fog. I mean, it's just so beautiful. And what I've been doing with my one son, especially, like I kind of touched on a little bit ago, but it's just a different way of approaching him. I've really come to a conclusion, okay. You know what? I have these things on paper. I have all these things on paper saying everything that my kids are, but I want to come to them with love and I want to come to them with the information that I have, and let's just go from here. We can do this together.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

It is exhausting though, isn't it? I feel like this It is exhausting. It's so exhausting, at least for me. You know, the constant adapting, the constant changes, the mental reframing, the emotional regulation, just constant adjusting. It is exhausting to hold grief and gratitude at the same time. It really is, but that's what I have to do to keep my heart and my head in the game, still, if you will. It is exhausting to be strong and tender, practical and hopeful. Sometimes all before nine o'clock in the morning. There is no clean break, no before and after. It's just the slow ongoing shift for me. And even when I'm doing the work of integrating and reframing, my body still feels tired. My heart feels tired, my brain feels tired. Because loving someone through cognitive decline, it's not a single hard moment. It's a thousand small ones. And that kind of love takes energy that I didn't know I had. And some days more than I feel like I can give. And I think that part gets me because you know, Mondays are the day where I take care of my mom and I am just shocked for the rest of the day. And my my family knows that I don't have a lot to give after that. I am mentally spent.

Meeting Kids Where They Learn

SPEAKER_03 39:00

Yeah. When you texted me on Monday, and you know, you were, you know, for one thing, thank you for that. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your world when you're going through such a hard time. I mean, that just means so much to me that you trust me with that. Because, you know, I can in a small way, even from a distance, or I can lift you up and I can hold you in a in a way that I so appreciate and love you.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

I love you. Thank you for being such a trusted friend, you know, someone that I can tell all the ins and outs to, and I know that you're not judging me one second.

SPEAKER_03 39:39

No, but I wish that I could remove some of it. I mean, I really do.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

Me for you too. I really do.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

I mean, life just isn't fair, is it? No. It's just not. And you've been a real teacher to me in that what you said um with your mom, and you're just patient with her. What I think is so beautiful is like I was saying, I'm constantly learning how to be a new mom, a better mom. Like I look at it as a new my my older two kids when they were younger, you know, they we always had this thing. It didn't, punishments, consequences didn't go to the next day. They just didn't. We left them and we started a new day. And that's how I kind of feel with my kids. If I've screwed up, if they've screwed up, whatever, you know, because I now am doing it again with these three littles. Um, I I just wake up and I say, you know, it's a new day. This is how we're going to love today. We're gonna do our best. We're gonna try to meet each other where we are, and that's where we start. And I love that you're doing that with your mom. You know, you get to go there, start fresh, and be the daughter that you need to be that day.

SPEAKER_00 40:52

I feel like it's no longer like learning how to be a daughter in a new way anymore. I think we're so past that stage. There's no explaining things twice, there's no back and forth. We are in that end stage, and that does change everything. Now, being her daughter, you know, looks like sitting next to her when there are no words and holding her hand and watching that Parkinson shake and kind of subside. That's the win for the day, then for me. And it looks like talking softly and into silence where there isn't anything reciprocated 99.8% of the time. And it looks like grieving someone who's still breathing. There are no parenting dynamics anymore, no teaching, no redirecting. It's just simply presence and love without feedback. And so I know it's sacred, but it's also unbelievably heavy because I still feel like her daughter. I am still her daughter. Yeah. I still want my mom. At that same time, though, I've been slowly for years saying goodbye in pieces, and there's just nothing to solve, nothing to reframe, nothing to tidy up. It's simply now the stage of just showing up, me just being there, just loving her through this awful longest goodbye. And what I'm going through right now is a different nervous system experience. I can feel my nervous system is just on high alert. And it's not looping, like you said, because you know, I I want to figure something out. It's looping because my heart is bracing and breaking at the same time. And that's where that nervous system struggle, I think, just comes in. It's it's trying to keep myself calm and like, okay, this is where we are, and doing, you know, saying those things that I've talked about. And then also almost like a panic, you know, I don't know when her time will be up. Will this happen to me? Will this happen to my husband? Will this happen to one of my friends? Will this happen to one of my children? And it's, you know, it's I think bracing and breaking is just really the best way to put it.

SPEAKER_03 43:04

Wow. I I actually kind of like that. Bracing and breaking. Oh my gosh. It's not a good phrase, but I like it. Well, it describes, I think, where we are. I I am living it, Tina. I feel like I could break. And it takes a lot to get me here. I am the strongest one in the room. It and I don't feel very strong right now. And it really, you know, I want to be there for my kids as long as I can. And that's part of it, is I know I can't be. That's a really hard truth for me. I try not to think about it, but I also have to prepare for those things at the same time. It's just being honest.

SPEAKER_00 43:55

Right. Yeah, I I I I can completely see. Why that would be such a hard thought to come across, and at the same time, something that you do have to prepare yourself and them for because you won't always be here. And with some of the challenges that they sadly have not asked for any of this themselves. Yeah. This is this has nothing to do with them, which just makes it even harder. I I think that you have you have to prepare because someone else will have to take care of them.

SPEAKER_03 44:28

Yeah. Yeah. And it's that balancing, you know, balancing life. I mean, we, you and I have so much coming at us, Tina. And you are amazing at balancing. At least it looks like on the outside that you're amazing at balancing.

Bracing And Breaking

SPEAKER_00 44:45

Uh, it's funny that you say that because I would say that about you, and I don't feel so much like I maybe internally I don't feel that way. Maybe externally I'm more, I do better than I I think I do. I'm not sure. And I don't even know if balance is the right word for me. I carry the weight of the world, you know, every morning as a news anchor, stories of loss and crisis and conflict. And yes, I chose my job and I love what I get to do. I carry the quiet, sacred weight of the end stage Alzheimer's with my mom. Lost friendships over no time or no reciprocity. I carry the beautiful chaos of three incredible little boys and a sweet husband who deserves more of me than I sometimes feel capable of giving. I carry the laundry and the appointments and the emotions and the logistics and the food allergies. Oh my gosh. Right? I and I feel that way when when you talk about all the things you carry and all of this invisible labor that no one really sees. And I don't know if there's any neat balance. Maybe I've learned how to carry it. I don't know. And I I thank you for that because I'm glad it looks like maybe I'm carrying it okay. Some days more than others, but I'm overweight right now for the first time in my life. I'm exhausted in every way, shape, and form of the word, physically, emotionally, spiritually. There is no time that feels fully mine. Some days I look in the mirror and I can just see. I mean, I see it right now. Look, if you look at me, you're like, maybe someone would meanly describe me as washed up or, you know, how tired. No. And and yet I am still here though. I even though I see myself, you know, as this overweight mom who's just struggling to get 10 minutes a day of her own time. And most of the time I don't even get that. I I I'm sorry, Tina.

SPEAKER_03 46:41

You're just overweight mom. You washed up.

SPEAKER_00 46:45

Yes. I look like a disaster. I'm just you don't. Yeah. I I am a I am a disaster. My big old look, my eyes, my eyes have the bags under them. They're ready to go on vacation somewhere.

SPEAKER_02 46:58

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 46:59

Far away from where I'm at. But here's here's the thing. You know, it's real. It is what it is. It is where I'm at. I am still here. I still wake up every single day and I give it my very best. It might be a gritty, honest, faithful, baggy-eyed best, tearful best, but it's what I have. And here's the bottom line, though. I still love deeply. I still show up. I still sit beside my mom. I still cheer for my boys. I still hold my husband's hand. I still speak into a microphone with conviction. I still care. I don't think I have it all together, but I sure have love in the middle of depletion. And while I may be tired, I am still just full of love. And to me, that means something really, really special. You know, if I if I may, I have been told in the last maybe two weeks by several different people at my work that you bring such joy and light. And the best thing that's happened to us in a long time is you. And that means so much to me because that is what I want to do. And I'm so glad to know that I am doing that, even though I have all of this invisible hard. I'm still the invisible hard.

SPEAKER_03 48:15

Oh, I like that. The invisible hard.

SPEAKER_00 48:22

And I I was really grateful for that. That really, really helped me.

SPEAKER_03 48:26

You deserve that because you do. I mean, no matter what, even if we meet out somewhere and we're both really going through something, we just sit and our space together is just so calm, you know, and joyful. And even though we're we could be talking about some of the heaviest things, but we feel good together and and it feels lighter. So you do bring that.

SPEAKER_00 48:55

Well, thank you. There's something about being able to be connected with someone like you who just gets it. You know, you don't have to put on the fake smile if you don't have it. You can still feel the joy, but you also like I also know you get it. You know, you get what hard is, and you're not gonna walk away from me. No. Oh gosh, no, never. I think that's the most important thing is I know that you will be there.

Invisible Labor And Showing Up

SPEAKER_03 49:22

Always, a hundred percent. If you need me, I will be there. And it's good that I mean I hope everybody has somebody that they feel that no matter what, that they can just pick up that phone and text and say, you know what, I'm having a really hard day today. And they just say, I'm here. Exactly. But you know, sometimes it is the smallest things when we're so bogged down with all those things that you listed, it was so overwhelming. And uh I have those kind of days. Two things. Oh, I'm so excited. One is I got an ADHD cleaning guide. I'm so excited about this. Oh, it has the whole house and it has, you know, like bathroom, and it has like, you know, 10 things under there that you have to do. You actually get to check them off that you did them, and I can give it to my son, who I'm trying to teach them how to clean the house. And so here you go. Um, you today you have the living room, and so these are the things that he has to do. He can actually see, okay, um, I have to sweep, get that, I have to dust, get, you know, and they just go, they do it, and they get to check it off. Isn't that fun? It is. That is fun. I'm so excited. I just got it, so I'm just so excited about that. And then um, oh, the other thing is that okay, do you have the Yucca app? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 51:00

Okay, is that how you call it? Yucca Yucca? I don't know. I call it yucca because it's yuck stuff. I don't know. That's just how I refer to it. But why K-A? Yeah, yucca. I call it Yucca. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:10

Well, a few weeks ago, I decided because we were just spending way too much food on food, and like you were saying, you feel overweight. I wasn't feeling really good. I've been losing because I've been purposely working on it, but yet I was like, okay, I still feel like I have a gluten thing or something. So then I switched, I got rid of the gluten, and I was feeling better. I can feel like the inflammation is gone. Um, but then I decided to go, of course, a step further, and I went through my shelves and I went through the fridge and I started scanning everything with this yucca app. And then things that I thought were really good, even some tuna packets, had some things in it that were actually, I swear, we are being poisoned. I really believe that. I believe it too. I do. And we feel awful, I think, as a whole, because of the things that we're putting into our body. So now my one son, he'll say, Is this poisonous? Because that's what we call those red circles that have like the number 10 on it that has all these things listed. And then you click on it and you see that we I was eating this candy that I thought it's got dark chocolate, it's cocoa. It's supposed to be really good for you because it's got like 80% cocoa in it versus, you know, all the junk. And here it ranked low. It was poor for pesticides.

SPEAKER_00 52:43

I know. I I think we're being poisoned too. I've been, it's funny you mentioned that the last two weeks, I've been purposely, well, my dinners for the last six weeks have purposely been clean. I've been eating clean. I've ordered for the chef, and I have had um, I pick up a couple meals once a week from him, and it's been amazing. And I've made myself some anti-inflammatory meals in the last week, for sure. I have not, I'm telling you, I have not had hardly any sugar. Sure, I had a little bit of ketchup with homemade corn dogs that I made, um, which that's not clean eating. I get that, but my kids wanted corn dogs. Um, I've been really purposely trying to, when I eat uh chips are a weakness. And instead of eating half of the bag, because that can happen quickly, I've been able to limit it to just a handful. And actually in the last week, I've lost two pounds, which is great, or maybe two weeks. I'm not sure. But anyway, scale's going down a bit. I I don't feel as inflamed. You know, I don't feel as I did. And so I've been making a lot of carrot recipes, a carrot souffle, um, another, I can't even think of what the other carrot meal is that I had made. But yeah, really trying to trying to get that under control because I want to feel better. So it's always a good thing when we are scanning our food, knowing where it's coming from, making it ourselves fresh. We tend to feel better.

SPEAKER_03 54:08

Yeah, I got the chickpea mac and cheese, and I thought, okay, great. You know, this is really good. I feel good, but then there was um bad stuff in the uh powder, right? So now I'm getting rid of that. And now I just went and I bought chickpea noodles and protein noodles that are gluten-free, and then I'm getting it, I'm gonna make those, and then I'm just gonna make my own mac and cheese, you know, without that powder stuff. So I'm just it's a relearning and everything. Uh, but I'm glad I'm kind of passing that down to them. And they're actually because my one son, he was eating honey nut Cheerios for breakfast because I thought it was better for him and he likes it, but then all this stuff was in it, and so he I just can't believe this that we're eating. It is super hard. So hard. Yeah. So we're going fresh. We're we're trying our best to feel better because when you're dealing with all this, like you said, it's a balancing, and we have to help ourselves physically as we're going into these little battles or wars throughout the day.

SPEAKER_00 55:15

Yeah. I mean, and think about that, your gut's tied to your brain. So it is the mind-body connection. The better you feel, the better your brain will probably feel. And I mean, I I I can all I don't know exactly what it is, but I can tell you the last two days I felt so much more of a clarity, brain fog. You know, and that's good for me, just given my mom's situation. But also it tells me that I must have been really inflamed. Something's not, you know, sitting well with me that I had been eating before, just that buildup. You know, think of your belly as a fishbowl. The more crap you put into it that it can't have, it's filling up, filling up, filling up until it eventually overflows. And so it's so good that that you're doing that. And I love that we are ending on that note because it's good to end with a positive. It's good to end with something encouraging. Eventually, I will be able to dig out of the snow where we are, and we will be able to be outside again. And that's where my exercise comes in. I'm not a gym. I don't want to do that. I I will something will ignite in me and I will be able to get myself under control.

Small Tools, Small Wins

SPEAKER_03 56:21

I haven't I have been getting on the treadmill, and it's kind of funny because now every time, not every time, but just about every time I get on the treadmill, I think of you because you told me you told me that you had years without the handles, and then you went right off the back. I mean, I just laugh every single time because I, you know, I hold on to make sure.

SPEAKER_00 56:42

My walking pad makes a really good display against the wall. That's where it has been. I've used it one time, maybe twice, very disappointed in myself. But here's the deal: I brought my rowing machine back in the house. I've only used it once in like two weeks, but I did use but I did want to say one last thing. This reminded me, I bought one of those vibration plates. It's a board that you stand on. Yes, I've seen them. And I gotta tell you, I have don't know that it's working anything for weight loss or anything like that, but it helps with my anxiety and actually Does it? Oh, yeah. Why do you think? It just feels good almost like you're shaking it all out.

SPEAKER_03 57:24

That's the best way I can. Oh, so a big body movement kind of thing, like a squeeze or a hug, or you know, my boys, when they get worked up, they have to wrestle.

SPEAKER_00 57:34

Yep. So it must be that that that type of what's it called? Pro not proprietary. It's um I can't think of the word for when you need that touch, when you need that like deep contact. Oh, it's a real thing.

SPEAKER_03 57:49

Well, it's sensory overload. I don't know. Yeah. Regulation when you have to regulate.

SPEAKER_00 57:55

It begins with a P. I know it. I just can't think of the word right now, but I love the vibration plate. It's been really, really helpful. My kids have even used it. I think they're just using it because they're like, oh, mom's doing it. This is fun. And to see like how much it jiggles their little bellies. But for me, it's actually really helped with when I'm feeling anxious. It just helps get it out and calm me down. And I really like it for that reason.

SPEAKER_03 58:20

Well, we can end on this. You know, one of the things that I've really loved about this episode is real life is messy. Yeah. But that is where connection lives. And I think that that is just so true.

SPEAKER_00 58:35

It is. It definitely is. If you are navigating something heavy right now, you are not alone. We are here, we are in the real, the raw, the in-between. One of the most important things I believe we can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone.

SPEAKER_03 58:51

I believe that 100%. And that is why we do what we do here. Remember, there is always purpose in the pain, and there is hope in the journey. And we love you so much from Real Talk with Tina and Anne. Thank you so much for supporting us. We'll see you next time.